Tag Archives: learning

For The First Time In A Really Long Time, I’m Letting Go

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Unsplash/Will Li

For the first time in a really long time, I’m not going to rush the universe for answers. For the first time in a really long time, I’m the one who needs to slow down. I’m tired of trying to figure everything out. I’m tired of having to make immediate decisions. I’m tired of trying to fight what’s not meant to be.

For the first time in a really long time, I’m just letting things expire. I’m letting things fade away, I’m letting everything that once tortured me lose importance and lose depth. I’m letting those who betrayed me exit my mind and my heart.

I’m letting them go without waiting for the universe to bring them back because for the first time in a really long time, I don’t want any of them back. For the first time, I’m not waiting for the stars to align because it’s always been a little messy and a little dark with some people. It’s always been a little heavy and a little grey with others. It’s always been a little heartbreaking and now it’s time to move on. Now it’s time to heal. Now it’s time to start over in a whole new universe with new stars to look at and new skies to look up to.

Because for the first time in a really long time I’m not trying to fight for anyone and for the first time in a really long time, I’ve got nothing to lose.

I like my reality the way it is right now. I like how I don’t hide who I really am anymore. I like how I don’t try too hard to make people stay with me because I finally like my own company. I like how goodbyes don’t scare me. I like how other women don’t intimidate me. I like that I’m not worried about what’s going to happen next and I like that I now have faith that the universe will always have something better in store for me.

Because for the first time in a really long time, I’m not scared. Maybe I’m curious. Maybe I have a few things I’d like to understand but I’m not scared anymore. I am content. And that didn’t happen overnight. It took years of fears, insecurities, pain, questioning God and the universe but I’m here today and I think I learned my lesson. I’m no longer chasing answers. I’m no longer trying to fight my destiny. I’m no longer revisiting my past. I’m no longer trying to rewrite old memories. I’m just learning how to live. To let things be. To let things fall into place instead of trying to rearrange them.

Because for the first time in a really long time, I’m not trying to prove anything to anyone, I just want to live.

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What If Roadblocks Were Actually Stepping Stones In Disguise?

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Unsplash/Igor Starkov
@igorstarkoff

I don’t know how long it takes for things to come together. For the wrongs to be right. For the lessons to sink in and for the mistakes to stop repeating themselves. I don’t know how long it takes for you to face your own truths, to win your internal battles, to have an honest conversation with yourself and ask the hard questions until you stop running away from the answers when they’re not the answers you hoped they’d be.

I don’t know how long it takes for life to start making sense or for your dreams to come true or for your happiness to stop evading you. I don’t know how long it takes until you can rest your head on the pillow and sleep peacefully without carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. I don’t know how long it takes for you to wake up and find everything you’ve ever wanted waiting for you in the morning.

But I do know that you have to believe that it’s right around corner, that it’s going to happen sooner than you think, that things have a way of turning around in the blink of an eye, that your happy ending is not an elusive fantasy but a reality waiting for the right moment to enter your life.

I know you carry with you the heaviness of a painful past and the emptiness of broken relationships. I know you carry burdens from your family and heartaches from your past lovers but I also know that these are just crumbs of things that have already burnt. These are just remnants of hitting rock bottom and all you have to do is dust yourself off and step into your new power, your new light, your new life. A life that’s not defined by anything that you didn’t have control over or anyone who has deeply hurt you. A life that’s not defined by old wounds or hidden scars.

Because the beauty of life is that you can always redefine it, you can always change it, you can always rewrite your story if you no longer want to live the same old one.

And yes I’m aware that there are things in life you can’t control and things that you can’t really change but I also know that these roadblocks are not in your life so you can turn the other way and drive off, they’re there so you can find a way around them, to figure out a new way to get to your destination without backing up. They’re there so you can learn how to keep moving instead of standing still.

I don’t know if there’s a manual that teaches you how to maneuver these roadblocks but I do know that sometimes you might have to write your own manual. And I don’t know if you’ll ever master or perfect the art of penetrating these roadblocks but I do know that every time you try, a new street opens up, you notice a new sign, you find a new direction, you see a lamppost that lights up the way and shows you what’s ahead of you. You discover something that makes the journey a little less terrifying.

You learn that there’s always something better waiting for you after every roadblock. A little detour that takes you to a whole new path that would have stayed out of sight had you stopped. You eventually learn that roadblocks are not trying to ruin your life, they’re trying to move you into another direction that brings you closer to where you truly belong.

Here’s What They Don’t Tell You About ‘Finding Yourself’

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Unsplash/ Jernej Graj

They don’t tell you that it’s so easy to forget that we don’t have to stay stuck in one place. It’s easy to forget that we can’t change our lives or leave toxic people who bring us nothing but pain behind.

It’s so easy to forget that we have been living a lie and we can’t do anything about it because of the havoc that we might cause if we start being true to ourselves.

It’s so easy to forget that we actually have a choice.

A choice to start over. A choice to walk away. A choice to move. A choice to change. A choice to take a leap of faith. A choice to find what brings us joy. A choice to leave what once defined us.

Because the truth is there’s a part of you that knows when something has run its course, when something is over, when something has served its purpose and when it’s time for a new chapter and a new beginning. There’s a part of you that’s always ready to face what you’re afraid to admit to yourself.

It’s so easy to forget that we have that power. It’s so easy to let life define us instead of redefining our own lives.

I think what holds us back is fear, fear of letting go, fear of detaching from who we are, fear of losing what we worked so hard to achieve. Fear of changing what we think is the ‘best version’ of ourselves.

But here’s the terrifying truth, maybe it’s okay to feel like your ‘best self’ is not who you really want to be anymore.

Maybe it’s not so bad to break what once made us whole. We’re allowed to outgrow certain parts of our lives that we once fought so hard for or certain people who we once loved with all our hearts.

It’s so easy to forget that your ‘best-self’ may not be the best after all. Maybe it was for a little while, but it won’t be forever.

And I get it, it’s exhausting; changing, starting over, relearning who you are and what you need, feeling that you wasted years working so hard for something only to abandon it in the end. Trust me, I get it.

But what’s harder is living with a voice inside of you that’s that’s constantly telling you that something is off; you’re not where you’re meant to be. You’re not who you could become.

Because they don’t tell you that while it’s so easy to forget that we have a choice, it’s also so easy to remember that we can always make a different one. One that could change our lives for the umpteenth time and yes, it’s so easy to remember how to do it all over again.

Goodbye Feels Different This Time

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Unsplash/Element5 Digital

It feels different this time.

It feels like the last time.

It’s not like all the other times where I took my word back and stuck around.

It’s not like all the other times when I said I’d leave but I knew I’d always come back and stay.

It’s not like all the other times when my heart still had more love and chances to dole out to you.

It’s for real this time.

Here I am, taking one last look at our favorite restaurant and our favorite bar, and all the nights I had to drink my pain away.

Here I am, standing in front of my favorite monument, taking one last look at the place that held my secrets and wiped away my tears.

Here I am, taking it all in so I can release it all out.

Here I am saying one final goodbye because I know this time there’s no looking back.

Here I am learning how to live without you again. 

I don’t know if I’ll miss you and I don’t know if I’ll miss the place we once called home, but I know that at this moment, I miss myself more. I’ve locked the real me inside for so long. I was forced to become someone else to make you and everyone else here happy. But I’m finally done with it all.

I’m finding myself before I find you this time.

I’m choosing myself over you this time.

I don’t always understand the universe but I know that it has my back and it’s been giving me all the signs I need to move forward. The universe is not holding back this time. The universe is telling me that this is the end of this story. This is the end of our time together.

There’s no more room for me here in your heart or in your home. There’s no room for me here in this city or in this crowd.

It feels different this time.

Because here I am standing still at the place where it all started and I don’t feel a thing. Like it was all a bad dream and now it’s over. I look at the people around me running around like I once did — trying to find themselves or find someone to love and I remember that not too long ago, that was me. Not too long ago, I thought you were the answer but now I know that the answer will always be with me. 

But here I am standing still, smiling, because I know this is the last time I’ll be here drenched in loneliness, anxiety and fear and I know this the last time I’ll think of you.

Here I am smiling, because I know that from this moment on, I won’t allow anyone to dictate my future for me. I won’t allow anyone to tell me how I should live my life. It’s all mine now. It’s all coming back to me.

I’m going back home….to myself.

I Hope You Know That You Always Have A Choice

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Unsplash/Jéssica Oliveira

 

I hope you know that you always have a choice.

I hope you understand that you are capable of changing your life even if the odds are against you. I hope you know that there are people out there who are willing to help you and guide you until you make it on your own. I hope you know that the kind of happiness you’re looking for is not out of reach.

I hope you still remember what happiness looks like, what it feels like and what it means to you because life has a way of making you forget and life has a way of making you believe that you don’t deserve it. I hope you still have the courage to fight for that happiness and fight for that life. I hope you don’t make settling a habit just because it’s easier. I hope you don’t make pain a permanent friend just because it’s been with you for a while. I hope you understand that pain is there to make you grow instead of making you suffer.

I hope you know that you always have a choice.

I hope you don’t give up on your love story just because all your previous stories ended in heartbreak. I hope you still believe in the kind of love that softens your heart and makes you trust again. The kind of love that brings out the depths of your emotions, the beauty of your soul and the kindness of your heart. The kind of love that doesn’t remind you of everything that’s wrong with the world. I hope you find the kind of love that restores your faith in romance. The kind of love that stands by you and makes you feel at home.

And I hope you have the courage to leave the kind of love that poisons your heart. The kind of love that forces you to hide who you are or play games or question yourself. I hope you can still take your heart back from those who destroyed it.

I hope you know that you always have a choice.

But more than anything, I hope you never give up on yourself. Your dreams. Your happiness. Your ideas. Your feelings. Your voice. And I hope you know that they matter. Please don’t discount them. Please don’t forget them. Please don’t let your mistakes define you.

I hope you can forgive yourself. I hope you don’t forget your worth because of a few mistakes or a few people who couldn’t love you. I hope you read this and remember that you’re here to evolve. You’re here to learn. You’re not here to be perfect. You’re not here to do everything right.

I hope you know that you always have a choice.

And I hope that in the coldest of moments, you choose to show the world your warmth. And in the midst of all tragedies, you choose to show the world your faith.

And through it all, I hope you always choose yourself. 

When In Doubt, Lead With Faith

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Unsplash/Joshua Rawson-Harris

I know we’re only halfway through the year but I can already say that 2018 will be a year to remember. I can already sum up what the last 7 months were trying to teach me in three words; lead with faith.

I’ve never been much of a planner because I’m not good at planning anything, especially when it comes to my life but for the past 3 years I planned everything to a T because all I wanted was for my life to be in order and fall into place because I was tired of running around and being lost and just going with the flow. So I took control and while it did give me the stability that I was looking for, it robbed me out of my happiness, my spontaneity, my zest for life and adventure.

I was always worried about tomorrow, about how many hours I have left in the day to go through all my plans, about how many months left until I’m one year older with a societal checklist I needed to strike off so I can catch up with all my friends who got married, had kids and are planning their next family vacation to Europe.

I was beginning to lose sight of what I wanted for myself because I was told that I needed to be more organized, more logical, more put together and more traditional. I was told that I needed to be anything but myself.

And I’d be lying if I said it didn’t work for me, after all, there’s a reason why people conform, it’s easier there. It’s a little bit more predictable. It’s a little less chaotic.

Until I was standing one day looking at the cookie as it crumbles piece by piece right in front of my eyes. I was standing there stoic. Watching everything I’ve ever built collapse. Watching all my plans make a U-turn. Watching every single dream of mine evaporate.

And then it hit me, I planned for everything but I forgot to plan for the day when all the plans stop working. I forgot to plan for the day I lose. I was so focused on winning that I didn’t think losing was even an option.

But today, as I begin to pick up the pieces slowly, I can safely say I’m leading with faith. I still don’t have a steady plan. I still don’t know my final destination. I still have a lot of things to fix but I am leading with faith and it’s making me feel alive again.

Faith that I’m right where I’m supposed to be. Faith that the things I thought I lost were actually triumphs in disguise. Faith that those hard 7 months were exactly the fuel I needed to take off and land somewhere new. Faith that the change I need in my life is coming and it’s going to be bigger and brighter than what I had planned for myself.

Because that’s the beauty of leading with faith, it rewards you in the end. You don’t lose when you lead with faith. You can only win.

The other day my friend was telling how we should all believe that we are larger than life and how we shouldn’t let the hard times or the wrong people make us feel small or insignificant. At first, I laughed at her ‘larger than life’ comment but then I thought about it, why is it so hard for us to believe that we are larger than life and that better things are actually coming our way? Why can’t we just lead with the kind of faith that makes us feel powerful, strong and loved? Why can’t we just breathe and believe that things will be okay?

And that’s what I’m going to start doing. I’m leading with faith. I’m walking into an unknown universe with open arms because I’m not scared anymore. I have something within me that’s larger than life…. and you — you have it too.

I Am Slowly Learning That I Don’t Have To Believe The Stories Others Have Written About Me

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Unsplash/Mark Alexandrovich

I am slowly learning that I don’t have to believe the stories others have written about me. I don’t have to be the character they want to be. I don’t have to give them the happy ending they want. It’s not their story. It’s mine and I won’t let them take the pen away from me again.

They want to paint me as the villain so they can sleep better at night or they want to paint me as the victim so they can feel powerful and victorious. They want to paint me as the crazy, rebellious, lost soul so they can feel like they have someone to guide whereas they’re the ones who really need guidance. They want to paint me as the inconsiderate, heartless kid so they can justify the hurtful words they said.

I am slowly learning that some people will always mold you into their story the way they want it to be because everyone wants to be the hero in their own story, no one wants to be the bad guy. No one wants to write the truth. Everyone wants to write the reality they wish they were living and when you give them something that changes that narrative, they will do their best to write you off because changing their script means facing realities they’ve neglected for years. Changing their script means starting over. Changing their script means exposing their lies and some people out there love living a lie — a fabricated story they tell people so they can glorify themselves.

But I am slowly learning that I’m not like that. I write my story the way it is even if it hurts. I don’t write lies and believe them. I don’t write a fake reality so I can impress people. I write everything they erase. I write all the words they don’t want me to say out loud. I tell the stories they don’t want anyone to know. I don’t sugarcoat their bitterness.

And maybe that’s why they paint me as the villain and maybe I’m okay with that because a person who has already lost everything has nothing more to lose and even if they break all my fingers, I’m not giving them the pen again because my story will always glorify my honesty and their story will always glorify their lies. And maybe that’s why we can’t read the same story and maybe that’s why our story is finally over.

I Hope You Never Stop Falling In Love With Your Journey

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Unsplash/Matthew Hamilton

I know you’re tired. I know you’re ready to give up and throw in the towel because you’ve had enough. I know that sometimes even the most comforting words from the closest people don’t take the pain away. I know it’s been one hell of a ride and you’re ready to just drop everything and leave but I hope you don’t see this as the end. I hope you still have the fire inside of you that pushed you to start in the first place. To fight for your life. To fight for your happiness. To take the road less traveled. I hope you find that fire again that once fueled you to run and chase the life of your dreams. I hope you don’t get tired of trying and starting over because you’re one step closer to finding your treasure. Your journey doesn’t end with pain. Your journey ends with victory if you keep finding the strength to persevere.

I hope you remain hopeful. I hope you’re still brimming with excitement about your future and the glorious opportunities life still has in store for you. I hope you never stop trusting the universe. I hope you never lose faith in God. I hope you never stop believing that the best is yet to come.

I know you’re heartbroken. I know you keep building walls instead of bridges. I know you’re fine on your own and you don’t need anyone but I hope you never stop believing in love. I hope that the right smile still touches your heart and the right eyes still capture your soul. I hope you still believe people when they tell you they love you. I hope you know how lovable you really are. I hope your heart still beats when you get that text or that call. I hope you can still open up. I hope you didn’t let the wrong ones close you off from the right one. I hope you’re still looking for that magical connection.

And I hope you’re still looking for magic, period! I hope you know that life will never look like a fairytale and your timing will never perfectly align with your desires but I hope you know that this journey ends with victory. Your journey ends with joy. Maybe at times, it can be too chaotic, too dramatic or too difficult but it’s also too beautiful, too amazing and most of all, full of marvelous surprises. And I hope you still love surprises because the best moments in life will always be the ones that take us completely by surprise.