I don’t know how to be anything other than intense. All in. Too much. Too involved. I don’t know how to be an almost or anything in between. But there’s a price you pay when you can’t settle for the middle because when you’re so fixated on a certain kind of love you become so good at letting go, kissing people goodbye, holding someone’s hand only to unclasp your fingers, getting so dangerously close only to create a safer distance, catching yourself before you fall because you’re not so sure if they will catch you. And you don’t know how to half-love someone or have bits and pieces of their heart, You only know how to love with all your heart and want the same in return. So I got used to it all, you know — leaving, moving on, being on my own, searching for answers, walking my journey alone because as much as I want to hold someone’s hand as I climb the mountain and as much as I want to share the view with someone, I don’t know how to balance myself if I’m not the only one. I don’t know how to open the door if I have one foot out. So it doesn’t get to me anymore when people call me too dreamy, too romantic, too idealistic, or too much because there’s a price you pay when you don’t know how to settle, you spend a lot of time waiting, you spend a lot of time alone, you don’t always have a hand to hold, you don’t always have someone to call but for some reason, you wait it out, because you have faith that one of those days your too muchness will be just enough for the right person.
For the first time in a really long time, I’m not going to rush the universe for answers. For the first time in a really long time, I’m the one who needs to slow down. I’m tired of trying to figure everything out. I’m tired of having to make immediate decisions. I’m tired of trying to fight what’s not meant to be.
For the first time in a really long time, I’m just letting things expire. I’m letting things fade away, I’m letting everything that once tortured me lose importance and lose depth. I’m letting those who betrayed me exit my mind and my heart.
I’m letting them go without waiting for the universe to bring them back because for the first time in a really long time, I don’t want any of them back. For the first time, I’m not waiting for the stars to align because it’s always been a little messy and a little dark with some people. It’s always been a little heavy and a little grey with others. It’s always been a little heartbreaking and now it’s time to move on. Now it’s time to heal. Now it’s time to start over in a whole new universe with new stars to look at and new skies to look up to.
Because for the first time in a really long time I’m not trying to fight for anyone and for the first time in a really long time, I’ve got nothing to lose.
I like my reality the way it is right now. I like how I don’t hide who I really am anymore. I like how I don’t try too hard to make people stay with me because I finally like my own company. I like how goodbyes don’t scare me. I like how other women don’t intimidate me. I like that I’m not worried about what’s going to happen next and I like that I now have faith that the universe will always have something better in store for me.
Because for the first time in a really long time, I’m not scared. Maybe I’m curious. Maybe I have a few things I’d like to understand but I’m not scared anymore. I am content. And that didn’t happen overnight. It took years of fears, insecurities, pain, questioning God and the universe but I’m here today and I think I learned my lesson. I’m no longer chasing answers. I’m no longer trying to fight my destiny. I’m no longer revisiting my past. I’m no longer trying to rewrite old memories. I’m just learning how to live. To let things be. To let things fall into place instead of trying to rearrange them.
Because for the first time in a really long time, I’m not trying to prove anything to anyone, I just want to live.
I don’t know how long it takes for things to come together. For the wrongs to be right. For the lessons to sink in and for the mistakes to stop repeating themselves. I don’t know how long it takes for you to face your own truths, to win your internal battles, to have an honest conversation with yourself and ask the hard questions until you stop running away from the answers when they’re not the answers you hoped they’d be.
I don’t know how long it takes for life to start making sense or for your dreams to come true or for your happiness to stop evading you. I don’t know how long it takes until you can rest your head on the pillow and sleep peacefully without carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. I don’t know how long it takes for you to wake up and find everything you’ve ever wanted waiting for you in the morning.
But I do know that you have to believe that it’s right around corner, that it’s going to happen sooner than you think, that things have a way of turning around in the blink of an eye, that your happy ending is not an elusive fantasy but a reality waiting for the right moment to enter your life.
I know you carry with you the heaviness of a painful past and the emptiness of broken relationships. I know you carry burdens from your family and heartaches from your past lovers but I also know that these are just crumbs of things that have already burnt. These are just remnants of hitting rock bottom and all you have to do is dust yourself off and step into your new power, your new light, your new life. A life that’s not defined by anything that you didn’t have control over or anyone who has deeply hurt you. A life that’s not defined by old wounds or hidden scars.
Because the beauty of life is that you can always redefine it, you can always change it, you can always rewrite your story if you no longer want to live the same old one.
And yes I’m aware that there are things in life you can’t control and things that you can’t really change but I also know that these roadblocks are not in your life so you can turn the other way and drive off, they’re there so you can find a way around them, to figure out a new way to get to your destination without backing up. They’re there so you can learn how to keep moving instead of standing still.
I don’t know if there’s a manual that teaches you how to maneuver these roadblocks but I do know that sometimes you might have to write your own manual. And I don’t know if you’ll ever master or perfect the art of penetrating these roadblocks but I do know that every time you try, a new street opens up, you notice a new sign, you find a new direction, you see a lamppost that lights up the way and shows you what’s ahead of you. You discover something that makes the journey a little less terrifying.
You learn that there’s always something better waiting for you after every roadblock. A little detour that takes you to a whole new path that would have stayed out of sight had you stopped. You eventually learn that roadblocks are not trying to ruin your life, they’re trying to move you into another direction that brings you closer to where you truly belong.
They don’t tell you that it’s so easy to forget that we don’t have to stay stuck in one place. It’s easy to forget that we can’t change our lives or leave toxic people who bring us nothing but pain behind.
It’s so easy to forget that we have been living a lie and we can’t do anything about it because of the havoc that we might cause if we start being true to ourselves.
It’s so easy to forget that we actually have a choice.
A choice to start over. A choice to walk away. A choice to move. A choice to change. A choice to take a leap of faith. A choice to find what brings us joy. A choice to leave what once defined us.
Because the truth is there’s a part of you that knows when something has run its course, when something is over, when something has served its purpose and when it’s time for a new chapter and a new beginning. There’s a part of you that’s always ready to face what you’re afraid to admit to yourself.
It’s so easy to forget that we have that power. It’s so easy to let life define us instead of redefining our own lives.
I think what holds us back is fear, fear of letting go, fear of detaching from who we are, fear of losing what we worked so hard to achieve. Fear of changing what we think is the ‘best version’ of ourselves.
But here’s the terrifying truth, maybe it’s okay to feel like your ‘best self’ is not who you really want to be anymore.
Maybe it’s not so bad to break what once made us whole. We’re allowed to outgrow certain parts of our lives that we once fought so hard for or certain people who we once loved with all our hearts.
It’s so easy to forget that your ‘best-self’ may not be the best after all. Maybe it was for a little while, but it won’t be forever.
And I get it, it’s exhausting; changing, starting over, relearning who you are and what you need, feeling that you wasted years working so hard for something only to abandon it in the end. Trust me, I get it.
But what’s harder is living with a voice inside of you that’s that’s constantly telling you that something is off; you’re not where you’re meant to be. You’re not who you could become.
Because they don’t tell you that while it’s so easy to forget that we have a choice, it’s also so easy to remember that we can always make a different one. One that could change our lives for the umpteenth time and yes, it’s so easy to remember how to do it all over again.
A few days ago, I saw a psychic reading special in my neighborhood — given how much I love psychics, I didn’t need a special to tempt me to go in for a reading but it was a good enough reason for me to get one. I haven’t had a reading in a while.
She started by analyzing my character and telling me a few things about my family, my childhood and my career, all too familiar, nothing I haven’t heard before but this time, when it came to predicting my love life, she just paused, took a long heavy sigh and said “well my dear it looks like you don’t know how to feel anymore, why is that?”
At first, I wanted to tell her that if she’s a real psychic, she should know but I held back my sarcasm and just told her I don’t know. I make a living out of feeling too much and writing my feelings down. She was surprised and confused, held my palm closer and told me “You just don’t know how to feel anymore.” At that point, I knew I wasn’t going to change her mind and I was ready to get this reading over with before she tells me I need to heal my aura for $300 to remove any love blockages.
On my way back though, it hit me, was the psychic actually, right? Do I not know how to feel anymore? Or am I just afraid of my own feelings?
Her comment bothered me for a reason, there must be some truth to it because deep down I know, my heart is not the same anymore.
All I did for the past five years was learn how to let go, how to move on, how to start over, how to love myself, work on myself, be independent and be strong. Mending everything my heart once destroyed. Putting back together everything my feelings once shattered.
All my experiences haven’t been smooth or easy and every year has been more of a battlefield than a playground. This whole process of self-improvement and personal development and trying to fix what others broke is draining. Granted, it’s worth it but it takes everything you’ve got to fight back, to believe, to keep trying, to keep smiling or keep breathing.
Of course I don’t know how to feel anymore, of course I’m scared of my own feelings because of the time and effort it took to embrace standing alone, because of the battles I’ve fought to live a life that makes me happy, because of the energy I’ve used up to be somewhat resilient.
It’s true that sometimes when you focus on one thing, you lose something else in return and in this case, I think I lost the appetite to feel deeply or get attached to my emotions. I think I forgot how to trust my heart. How to be vulnerable. To let myself go. To surrender to such powerful emotions. I’m always trying to hold back. Always having one foot out the door. Always ready to walk away.
But here’s what I know for sure, that maybe I don’t know how to feel right now, but when the time is right and my walls come crashing down one by one, I will begin to trust my heart blindly again. All the feelings will come rushing back home. All those pent-up emotions will safely resurface. All those fears will subside and following my heart will not be another recipe for disaster.
And even though right now I may not know how to feel, I can still feel that it’s all coming back to me soon. I think I’ve done my fair share of learning and healing. It’s all coming together because, at the end of the day, you cannot lose something that was once ingrained in you.