The difference between us
is that I say how I truly feel
and you say what I want to hear
and somewhere in the middle
we failed to understand each other.
The difference between us
is that I find homes in people
and you find excuses
and somewhere in between
I found myself closing my door
The difference between us
is I walk away when I’m confused
but you convince people that you’re sure
but eventually your hesitation prevailed
and it became harder to trust you
The difference between us
is that I heal myself when I’m broken
but you break people when you’re hurt
and then my heart starts to wonder
if this is where it truly belongs
The difference between us
is that I don’t find joy in dishonesty
and you find pleasure in deception
but eventually your manipulation
brought the end of our story
The difference between us
is that you expect me to wait
and I expect you to show up
but somehow your absence made more sense
and I found myself much happier without you
I don’t know how to be anything other than intense. All in. Too much. Too involved. I don’t know how to be an almost or anything in between. But there’s a price you pay when you can’t settle for the middle because when you’re so fixated on a certain kind of love you become so good at letting go, kissing people goodbye, holding someone’s hand only to unclasp your fingers, getting so dangerously close only to create a safer distance, catching yourself before you fall because you’re not so sure if they will catch you. And you don’t know how to half-love someone or have bits and pieces of their heart, You only know how to love with all your heart and want the same in return. So I got used to it all, you know — leaving, moving on, being on my own, searching for answers, walking my journey alone because as much as I want to hold someone’s hand as I climb the mountain and as much as I want to share the view with someone, I don’t know how to balance myself if I’m not the only one. I don’t know how to open the door if I have one foot out. So it doesn’t get to me anymore when people call me too dreamy, too romantic, too idealistic, or too much because there’s a price you pay when you don’t know how to settle, you spend a lot of time waiting, you spend a lot of time alone, you don’t always have a hand to hold, you don’t always have someone to call but for some reason, you wait it out, because you have faith that one of those days your too muchness will be just enough for the right person.
They don’t tell you that it’s so easy to forget that we don’t have to stay stuck in one place. It’s easy to forget that we can’t change our lives or leave toxic people who bring us nothing but pain behind.
It’s so easy to forget that we have been living a lie and we can’t do anything about it because of the havoc that we might cause if we start being true to ourselves.
It’s so easy to forget that we actually have a choice.
A choice to start over. A choice to walk away. A choice to move. A choice to change. A choice to take a leap of faith. A choice to find what brings us joy. A choice to leave what once defined us.
Because the truth is there’s a part of you that knows when something has run its course, when something is over, when something has served its purpose and when it’s time for a new chapter and a new beginning. There’s a part of you that’s always ready to face what you’re afraid to admit to yourself.
It’s so easy to forget that we have that power. It’s so easy to let life define us instead of redefining our own lives.
I think what holds us back is fear, fear of letting go, fear of detaching from who we are, fear of losing what we worked so hard to achieve. Fear of changing what we think is the ‘best version’ of ourselves.
But here’s the terrifying truth, maybe it’s okay to feel like your ‘best self’ is not who you really want to be anymore.
Maybe it’s not so bad to break what once made us whole. We’re allowed to outgrow certain parts of our lives that we once fought so hard for or certain people who we once loved with all our hearts.
It’s so easy to forget that your ‘best-self’ may not be the best after all. Maybe it was for a little while, but it won’t be forever.
And I get it, it’s exhausting; changing, starting over, relearning who you are and what you need, feeling that you wasted years working so hard for something only to abandon it in the end. Trust me, I get it.
But what’s harder is living with a voice inside of you that’s that’s constantly telling you that something is off; you’re not where you’re meant to be. You’re not who you could become.
Because they don’t tell you that while it’s so easy to forget that we have a choice, it’s also so easy to remember that we can always make a different one. One that could change our lives for the umpteenth time and yes, it’s so easy to remember how to do it all over again.
It’s not like all the other times where I took my word back and stuck around.
It’s not like all the other times when I said I’d leave but I knew I’d always come back and stay.
It’s not like all the other times when my heart still had more love and chances to dole out to you.
It’s for real this time.
Here I am, taking one last look at our favorite restaurant and our favorite bar, and all the nights I had to drink my pain away.
Here I am, standing in front of my favorite monument, taking one last look at the place that held my secrets and wiped away my tears.
Here I am, taking it all in so I can release it all out.
Here I am saying one final goodbye because I know this time there’s no looking back.
Here I am learning how to live without you again.
I don’t know if I’ll miss you and I don’t know if I’ll miss the place we once called home, but I know that at this moment, I miss myself more. I’ve locked the real me inside for so long. I was forced to become someone else to make you and everyone else here happy. But I’m finally done with it all.
I’m finding myself before I find you this time.
I’m choosing myself over you this time.
I don’t always understand the universe but I know that it has my back and it’s been giving me all the signs I need to move forward. The universe is not holding back this time. The universe is telling me that this is the end of this story. This is the end of our time together.
There’s no more room for me here in your heart or in your home. There’s no room for me here in this city or in this crowd.
It feels different this time.
Because here I am standing still at the place where it all started and I don’t feel a thing. Like it was all a bad dream and now it’s over. I look at the people around me running around like I once did — trying to find themselves or find someone to love and I remember that not too long ago, that was me. Not too long ago, I thought you were the answer but now I know that the answer will always be with me.
But here I am standing still, smiling, because I know this is the last time I’ll be here drenched in loneliness, anxiety and fear and I know this the last time I’ll think of you.
Here I am smiling, because I know that from this moment on, I won’t allow anyone to dictate my future for me. I won’t allow anyone to tell me how I should live my life. It’s all mine now. It’s all coming back to me.
Maybe he really loved you.
Maybe she really cared.
He probably wasn’t lying
when he said you were special.
She probably was telling the truth
when she told you she needed you.
Maybe he was truly afraid of losing you.
Maybe she did see a future with you.
Maybe everything that was said at the moment was true.
Maybe they weren’t all lies.
Maybe all these promises were
never meant to be broken.
But here’s what makes all the difference,
here’s the one question you should always ask yourself — Where are they now? Why didn’t they stay? Why didn’t they hold on?
Why weren’t they beside you
when you didn’t have anyone by your side?
Why did he leave?
Why did she walk away?
Because he can be prince charming
when things are pretty
and she can be your biggest fan
when you’re saying all the right things,
but when the ride gets bumpy
and the road gets darker
and you’re lost in the middle of nowhere you’ll need someone who shows up for you.
Someone who stays with you
until you find your way home or someone who gets lost with you.
Because you’ve been walking alone
and you’re good at it.
You know how to get around and
you know you will eventually find your way
but if you’re going to pick someone to join you
don’t pick the one who is going to drop you off
at the nearest exit,
pick the one who will stick around till the end.
Pick the one who blasts the music so loud to silence your fears.
Pick the one who holds your hand and tells you you’re almost there. Pick the one who will go anywhere with you.
So here’s your closure;
it’s not about whether or not they meant what they said
or whether their feelings were true.
It’s about where they are now
Are they here with you?
or are they driving away?
And if they drove away
please keep walking alone.
You don’t need another temporary passenger.
You don’t need another fictitious closure.
Rania Naim 