You won’t recognize this new me, you won’t recognize my laughter, I don’t find your jokes funny anymore. You won’t recognize my eyes, they no longer admire you, they no longer look for you.
You won’t recognize my hands, they no longer long for your touch, they no longer want to hold you. You won’t recognize my energy, I’m not available to you anymore, I’m not yours this time and it’s your turn to feel my absence.
You won’t recognize my heart, it doesn’t beat for you anymore, it doesn’t miss you, it’s not the same. Or maybe it is, maybe it has always been this way. People break it thinking it won’t mend itself or heal but it always bounces back even stronger. It always comes back to me, intact unable to settle for half-hearted love or mediocre relationships.
You won’t recognize me now, look at me all you want but you will never see me because I put myself back together in ways you will never understand.
If I have learned anything over the last few years, it’s that you have to always be ready to face certain battles alone. Your inner demons, your worst fears, and your own suffering because at the end of the day no one will truly understand your demons, no one will understand the damage, no one will understand the storms you hold within, no one will understand but you, so you have to always safeguard yourself with the tools you need to fight certain battles alone and walk through certain paths by yourself.
If I have learned anything over the last few years, it’s that you can’t really predict what life will bring you because things can change overnight. One day you’re on cloud nine and the next day you’re hitting rock bottom. One day your phone lights up with the exact words you want to hear and the next day you’re receiving the news you’ve been fearing. One day you’re planning a future with someone and the next day you’re packing your bags and leaving. One day it looks like you’re finally getting things right and the next day your life is turned upside down forcing you to start over.
And sometimes there’s nothing you could do about it except learning how to survive alone, how to be your own person, how to count on your strength and hold on for a little while longer until things align again or until the world sets you free.
And I know that on some days you just want life to slow down, you wish that you could stop battling and start living. You want to be fought for instead of being the fighter, you want to be held instead of holding everything together and you want to be understood instead of drowning in a sea of your own confusion. But if you’re meant to face the hardest of battles alone, if you’re meant to keep fighting with little to no help, then maybe it can only get better from there, you can only rebuild after destruction. You can only find peace after war.
And I know that it’s harder on some days to keep the faith and stay hopeful, but maybe that’s how you make it through, staying hopeful when things seem hopeless, staying intact when things are falling apart, knowing that eventually, life will straighten itself out again, the picture won’t be upside down and the answers won’t be so confusing or so hard to find.
I guess what keeps me going is knowing that we all get what we deserve in the end, what we work so hard for and what our hearts truly desire. Because just as things can change for the worse overnight, they can also change for the better. Just as things suddenly disappear, life can magically hand you more blessings.
And maybe you’re not meant to win every battle or get all the answers right but as long as you still know how to stand tall every time life knocks you down, you will prevail.
Ironically, life becomes easier when you know that even if you lose all your battles, as long as you haven’t lost yourself, you’re still a winner.
I’m ready to let you go. I’m so ready to let you go. You weren’t the easiest or the happiest and I’m ready to say goodbye to everything you’ve brought. I’m ready to let go of the parts of you that disappointed me, the people who let me down, the moments that I couldn’t hold myself together and the times when I almost gave up on myself.
You taught me a few important lessons the hard way. You taught me that nothing is ever predictable, especially people. You taught me that family could easily diminish your value in a moment of anger, friends could replace you when they find their significant other, people can lie to your heart and break it just to mend theirs, but most of all you taught me how to stand alone, which will always be the hardest lesson for me, but you proved to me that the only person I can control is me and the only person I can really count on is also me. You taught me not to get too attached to people or trust too much or love too much. You taught me that I have to always guard myself even from the closest people to my heart. But…..
I forgive you.
I forgive you for all the pain, the betrayal, the unpleasant surprises, and the confusion. I forgive you for the countless nights you made me sleep with tears in my eyes. I forgive you for making the happy times short-lived. I forgive you for not going the way I wanted you to go. Maybe there is something about you that will help me in the years to come. Maybe as much as I want to forget you, you will be the year I look back on to avoid future disasters or think twice before getting close to someone again or maybe you’ll be the year that brought me closer to myself and that will make all the difference. However…
I appreciate you.
You still brought me a lot of blessings. A lot of laughter. A lot of unforgettable moments and people. A lot of memories that will make me smile for years to come. Ironically, as much as you made me feel dead inside, you brought me moments that made me feel alive like never before. You had your way of making up for the bad times or the hard times and I appreciate you for making a few things better. I appreciate you for giving me just enough to keep going, to keep believing, to look forward to what’s coming next and to have faith that the best is yet to come.
I’m going to get over you.
I’m already healing from your wounds. I’m already looking ahead. I’m done living in your sob story. I’m done being your victim. I’m done letting you take so much space and energy. I’m done dwelling on all the things I didn’t do and all the dreams you didn’t let me live. I’m done trying to make everything happen before you end.
You weren’t the year for me and it’s time to move on. It’s time to let you go.
I don’t know what to expect, I don’t know what you hold for me, I don’t know if you’ll be better or worse, but I know that I’m ready for you. I’ve survived the worst and now I’m ready to write a new story on your empty pages, literally. I can only hope that this time, it’s going to be a happy one. I can only hope that this time, you are the year for me.