I don’t believe that timing should be a barrier in moving a relationship forward. Maybe it makes it harder but it doesn’t make it impossible. I’m also a firm believer that things have a way of falling into place, they have a way of unfolding naturally and I’m a firm believer that if something is meant to happen, then against all odds, it will happen.
So if our story does not end here, I hope I’m still the same when you’re back.
I hope I don’t lose an inch of respect for you. I hope I can still admire your qualities whether you’re near or far and I hope I can still go to you for advice and I hope you still care.
I hope that when we meet again, we can still look at each other the way we did before timing and distance got in the way and I hope that the time we spent apart would help us realize what we truly meant to each other.
I hope our story is not like all other short stories; I hope our story is long, full of plot twists, surprises, lessons and I hope our story has a happy ending.
I hope we can look back at that time as an intermission, not an ending. As a cliff hanger, not the end of a show and I hope we’re meant to go our separate ways so we can reunite again stronger, wiser and more forgiving.
But if this is the end of our story; if this is all it will ever be, then I hope that when we meet again, we’re both happy, I hope we can still wish the best for each other because we both know how much we struggled to find meaning, to find love and find ourselves.
If I see you again and I don’t feel a thing, I hope there’s no bitterness, no resentment, and no sadness. I hope we can be a reminder of how God sometimes brings two people together to heal each other and once they’re both healed, they move on to better and bigger things.
Maybe healing is not the same thing as loving. Maybe other people heal you so other people can love you. Maybe we all improve each other for someone else.
But if this is the end of our story, then I want you to know that you are my favorite chapter, the chapter I will go back and read when I want to smile and the chapter I will go back and read when the story gets boring and I hope I’m your favorite chapter too.
If our story doesn’t have a happy ending, I hope we’re the chapter that led to it and I hope we are the reason why we started believing in happy endings again.
But if we are meant for each other, then I hope we’re both still on the same page when we meet again, that we can pick up exactly where we left off and keep writing the rest of our story together.
You need the kind of love that inspires you to become even more compassionate, even deeper, even softer. The kind of love that doesn’t make you regret giving your heart or being kind or exposing your vulnerability. You need the kind of love that restores your faith in humanity and in yourself. The kind of love that keeps you overflowing with more to give, not the one that makes you feel empty and restless.
You need the kind of love that allows you to grow as an individual, the kind of love that doesn’t fill your mind with toxic thoughts or leave you feeling like you can’t do anything right. The kind of love that makes you sleep at night with one less thing to worry about. The kind of love that doesn’t give you nightmares or anxiety or makes you feel like you have to try so hard or compete for someone’s affection. The kind of love you can truly trust.
You need the kind of love that stands by you on your weakest days, the kind of love that makes the hard times a little easier to get through. You need the kind of love that stays when it’s easier to leave and fights when it’s easier to give up. The kind of love that gives you more than one reason to hold on. You need the kind of love that makes you glow because you’re genuinely happy. The love that liberates you.
You need the kind of love that you don’t fear. The kind of love that doesn’t make you nervous thinking about the future. The kind of love that tames your raucous doubts and reminds you that the love you always wanted was never unreasonable but you were just asking those who couldn’t deliver.
You won’t recognize this new me, you won’t recognize my laughter, I don’t find your jokes funny anymore. You won’t recognize my eyes, they no longer admire you, they no longer look for you.
You won’t recognize my hands, they no longer long for your touch, they no longer want to hold you. You won’t recognize my energy, I’m not available to you anymore, I’m not yours this time and it’s your turn to feel my absence.
You won’t recognize my heart, it doesn’t beat for you anymore, it doesn’t miss you, it’s not the same. Or maybe it is, maybe it has always been this way. People break it thinking it won’t mend itself or heal but it always bounces back even stronger. It always comes back to me, intact unable to settle for half-hearted love or mediocre relationships.
You won’t recognize me now, look at me all you want but you will never see me because I put myself back together in ways you will never understand.
Let me tell you how I did it. Let me tell you how I got your ghosts out of my system.
I stopped thinking about you late at night when I was alone wishing you were there so I could talk to you. I started talking to my best friends. I started reading. I started writing. Because I realized they’ve all been there for me in all the ways you weren’t and they’re still here with me but you’re gone.
I stopped staring at my phone when something good happens hoping you would say something and I stopped staring at it when something bad happens tempted to call you and tell you about it because you never wanted to celebrate with me and you never wanted to give me a shoulder to cry on when my tears wouldn’t stop falling.
I remembered that I couldn’t count on you to make me smile when you’re the ones who made me cry.
I stopped comparing anyone I met to you. I stopped believing in the same spark that burned me—the flames that turned to ashes.
I’m done living in this illusion I’ve created with you and I’m ready to face my new reality without you.
And finally, I stopped thinking that you’ll come back one day. I stopped wanting you to fight for me because the truth is, I don’t want a fight—love shouldn’t be about fighting and it shouldn’t be a war. It shouldn’t be a battle of who cares more and who’s going to fall harder. It shouldn’t be about winning and losing.
And if it is, then I don’t want it. Maybe I’m just a dreamer but I believe that love should be easy, it should be simple and clear. It shouldn’t be all questions and games and it shouldn’t leave you wondering or waiting.
And maybe I’m just a dreamer but I believe that love should be magic and it should leave you in awe.
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It sucks that when I sleep at night, I can only think of how good it feels to sleep without wondering what you’re doing, who you’re talking to or trying to find the truth between your lies.
It sucks that when I wake up, I don’t miss your good morning text. The one that was probably sent to many. The one that eventually stopped meaning anything if I wasn’t the only one you think of when you wake up in the morning. It sucks that when I wake up, I have one less thing to worry about. One less burden.
It sucks that when someone brings up your name, I have to nod and agree with everything they’re saying about you. It sucks that I can’t defend you or your actions because you didn’t prove any of them wrong. You didn’t even try.
It sucks that when I think about my future, I feel better that you won’t be in it. Thinking of all the ways you could have screwed me over. Thinking of all the ways you could have ruined it with your presence. It sucks that walking away may have been the best thing I did for myself.
It sucks that you were once an important somebody who quickly turned into a nobody, but you know what sucks even more, staying when I know I’m not being valued. Staying with someone who can’t handle their own baggage or their own problems. Staying with someone who finds it so easy to lie instead of facing the truth. Staying when every day felt like I was losing a part of myself.
What sucks even more, is staying with someone who doesn’t make me a better person. Staying when I know I can find someone else who wants to give me the world. A world where I don’t have to apologize for my heart or regret trusting someone or giving someone my all. Someone who can’t picture his world without me in it.
It sucks that your memory is now grimy and dusty….but I guess that’s how I became clean. I had to see who you really were underneath all the glitz and the glam. At the end of the day, an empty heart, an empty soul will never recognize a heart that’s full of love. A shallow heart will never understand a deep one. A selfish heart can never give. A dead heart can never beat.
If I have learned anything over the last few years, it’s that you have to always be ready to face certain battles alone. Your inner demons, your worst fears, and your own suffering because at the end of the day no one will truly understand your demons, no one will understand the damage, no one will understand the storms you hold within, no one will understand but you, so you have to always safeguard yourself with the tools you need to fight certain battles alone and walk through certain paths by yourself.
If I have learned anything over the last few years, it’s that you can’t really predict what life will bring you because things can change overnight. One day you’re on cloud nine and the next day you’re hitting rock bottom. One day your phone lights up with the exact words you want to hear and the next day you’re receiving the news you’ve been fearing. One day you’re planning a future with someone and the next day you’re packing your bags and leaving. One day it looks like you’re finally getting things right and the next day your life is turned upside down forcing you to start over.
And sometimes there’s nothing you could do about it except learning how to survive alone, how to be your own person, how to count on your strength and hold on for a little while longer until things align again or until the world sets you free.
And I know that on some days you just want life to slow down, you wish that you could stop battling and start living. You want to be fought for instead of being the fighter, you want to be held instead of holding everything together and you want to be understood instead of drowning in a sea of your own confusion. But if you’re meant to face the hardest of battles alone, if you’re meant to keep fighting with little to no help, then maybe it can only get better from there, you can only rebuild after destruction. You can only find peace after war.
And I know that it’s harder on some days to keep the faith and stay hopeful, but maybe that’s how you make it through, staying hopeful when things seem hopeless, staying intact when things are falling apart, knowing that eventually, life will straighten itself out again, the picture won’t be upside down and the answers won’t be so confusing or so hard to find.
I guess what keeps me going is knowing that we all get what we deserve in the end, what we work so hard for and what our hearts truly desire. Because just as things can change for the worse overnight, they can also change for the better. Just as things suddenly disappear, life can magically hand you more blessings.
And maybe you’re not meant to win every battle or get all the answers right but as long as you still know how to stand tall every time life knocks you down, you will prevail.
Ironically, life becomes easier when you know that even if you lose all your battles, as long as you haven’t lost yourself, you’re still a winner.
In 2019, I’m putting all my faith in God. I’m going to let him guide me without trying to interfere with his plans. I’m not going to keep knocking on the doors he decided to close. I’m not going to rush things anymore because I’ve learned to trust his timing. No matter how much I want things, his timing will always bring the best results. His timing will always make the imperfect situations perfect.
In 2019, I’m following his signs. Without trying to change the direction. Without trying to manipulate what these signs mean. Without trying to follow my own flawed sense of direction. I’m going to truly listen to his answers even if they’re not what I want to hear. I’m going to run to him when I feel lost.
In 2019, I’ll talk to him about my problems. I won’t talk to other people, I won’t keep getting advice from people who are just as confused and lost as I am. I’ll talk to him because he’s the only one who can fix them. He’s the only one who has a real solution. He’s the only one who can truly understand.
In 2019, I’m detaching. Detaching from what’s not meant for me. Detaching from all the expectations I had for myself and people. I’m detaching from trying to make everything work or having control over every single aspect in my life. I’m detaching from my own obsessions and my own demons.
In 2019, I’m trusting him more. Because God knows what’s in my heart. God knows what I need. He doesn’t need reminders. God doesn’t forget. I’m counting on him to make me whole again. I’m done trying to mend everything myself. I’m done trying to pretend like I know what’s best for me when I have the ultimate teacher waiting for me to put all my faith and trust in him. I have the ultimate healer.
In 2019, I’m leading with faith. Faith that I’m right where I’m supposed to be. Faith that the new year will bring more blessings and more positive transformations into my life. Faith that even if things don’t work out the way I want them to, they’re still working out in my favor. Faith that I’ll eventually receive everything I’ve been asking for because that’s what faith does, it turns everything around.