Tag Archives: Feelings

2019, I’m Ready To Let You Go

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2019, I’m ready to let you go.

This time, I’m saying goodbye to what could be the most challenging year of my life. It wasn’t necessarily bad, but it was challenging. It gave me so much to remember yet so much to forget. It brought me so much joy but also a lot of tears. It gave me so much to be thankful for but took away a few valuable things.

2019, this is my bittersweet farewell to you.

Farewell to the day I had to break my own heart because I knew deep down I wasn’t getting the kind of love I deserved. I had to choose myself instead of settling for being an option to someone else. I had to pick being alone again over someone who was never going to value me or make an effort to be in my life. I had to once again admit to myself that I made the wrong choice and it was not too late to right my wrongs. It’s never too late to realize that you made a mistake because you can always make things right again. Farewell to the day I had to break my own heart to save it. Farewell to the day I decided to do things the hard way because I wasn’t ready to lose myself again in the arms of the wrong person and I wasn’t ready to go back on what I always believed in just to make someone else happy. Especially someone who didn’t take my happiness very seriously.

Farewell to the days I saw my loved ones suffer; either from illnesses or losses or painful experiences. The days that make you reevaluate your life and your choices. The days that make you reflect on the meaning of life and security. The days that teach you the hard way that you’re not always in control and that God will always have the last word. The days you’re never prepared for but have to face anyway and utilize all your strength, faith, wisdom, patience and resilience. The days that present you with the hardest tests in life, the ones you didn’t study for, the ones you need to pass anyway. The ones that force you to burst every bubble and step out of your comfort zone. Farewell to the days that broke my heart in irreparable ways.

But more than anything, farewell to the old me, the person I was before this year started, the person who was fearful and confused and scared. The person who didn’t know if they could start over or make things happen or walk away from certain people. Farewell to the person who was stuck either professionally or personally or romantically because if 2019 taught me anything, it’s that if you can take every challenge, every setback, every painful heartbreak, every loss, every tragedy and every missed opportunity as a sign that you need to grow or change your life or yourself and you actually do something about it, then you’ll never have a bad year. You’ll always win even if you don’t have the right cards dealt for you as long as you learn how to play them. And if you can search for the truth within you and among others even if it hurts, you won’t lose yourself, you won’t end up living a lie. You won’t pretend to be someone you’re not.

Farewell 2019, the year that forced me to find myself and my truth, to stand on my own, to watch everything I feared unfold before my eyes, to make all the difficult decisions that I was running away from, to protect my own heart by breaking it over and over again and still survive, and still hope, and still dream of better and bigger things.

2019 will always be the year that tried to kill me but I survived and the year that prepared me for whatever challenges 2020 plans on bringing, but for now, all I can hope for, just like I do every year, is for 2020 to be kind. I hope 2020 is the calm after the storm. I hope 2020 is the year I thrive but regardless of what it plans on bringing, I’m ready.

2020, I’m so ready for you!

You Won’t Recognize Me Now

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You won’t recognize this new me,
you won’t recognize my laughter,
I don’t find your jokes funny anymore.
You won’t recognize my eyes,
they no longer admire you,
they no longer look for you.

You won’t recognize my hands,
they no longer long for your touch,
they no longer want to hold you.
You won’t recognize my energy,
I’m not available to you anymore,
I’m not yours this time and
it’s your turn to feel my absence.

You won’t recognize my heart,
it doesn’t beat for you anymore,
it doesn’t miss you,
it’s not the same.
Or maybe it is,
maybe it has always been this way.
People break it
thinking it won’t mend itself
or heal
but it always bounces back
even stronger.
It always comes back to me,
intact
unable to settle
for half-hearted love
or mediocre relationships.

You won’t recognize me now,
look at me all you want
but you will never see me
because I put myself back together
in ways you will never understand. 

It Sucks That I’m Happier Without You

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Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash

It sucks that I’m happier without you.

It sucks that when I sleep at night, I can only think of how good it feels to sleep without wondering what you’re doing, who you’re talking to or trying to find the truth between your lies.

It sucks that when I wake up, I don’t miss your good morning text. The one that was probably sent to many. The one that eventually stopped meaning anything if I wasn’t the only one you think of when you wake up in the morning. It sucks that when I wake up, I have one less thing to worry about. One less burden.

It sucks that when someone brings up your name, I have to nod and agree with everything they’re saying about you. It sucks that I can’t defend you or your actions because you didn’t prove any of them wrong. You didn’t even try.

It sucks that when I think about my future, I feel better that you won’t be in it. Thinking of all the ways you could have screwed me over. Thinking of all the ways you could have ruined it with your presence. It sucks that walking away may have been the best thing I did for myself.

It sucks that you were once an important somebody who quickly turned into a nobody, but you know what sucks even more, staying when I know I’m not being valued. Staying with someone who can’t handle their own baggage or their own problems. Staying with someone who finds it so easy to lie instead of facing the truth. Staying when every day felt like I was losing a part of myself.

What sucks even more, is staying with someone who doesn’t make me a better person. Staying when I know I can find someone else who wants to give me the world. A world where I don’t have to apologize for my heart or regret trusting someone or giving someone my all. Someone who can’t picture his world without me in it.

It sucks that your memory is now grimy and dusty….but I guess that’s how I became clean. I had to see who you really were underneath all the glitz and the glam. At the end of the day, an empty heart, an empty soul will never recognize a heart that’s full of love. A shallow heart will never understand a deep one. A selfish heart can never give. A dead heart can never beat.

In 2019, I’m Leading With Faith

 

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Photo by Yoann Boyer on Unsplash

In 2019, I’m putting all my faith in God. I’m going to let him guide me without trying to interfere with his plans. I’m not going to keep knocking on the doors he decided to close. I’m not going to rush things anymore because I’ve learned to trust his timing. No matter how much I want things, his timing will always bring the best results. His timing will always make the imperfect situations perfect.

In 2019, I’m following his signs. Without trying to change the direction. Without trying to manipulate what these signs mean. Without trying to follow my own flawed sense of direction. I’m going to truly listen to his answers even if they’re not what I want to hear. I’m going to run to him when I feel lost.

In 2019, I’ll talk to him about my problems. I won’t talk to other people, I won’t keep getting advice from people who are just as confused and lost as I am. I’ll talk to him because he’s the only one who can fix them. He’s the only one who has a real solution. He’s the only one who can truly understand.

In 2019, I’m detaching. Detaching from what’s not meant for me. Detaching from all the expectations I had for myself and people. I’m detaching from trying to make everything work or having control over every single aspect in my life. I’m detaching from my own obsessions and my own demons.

In 2019, I’m trusting him more. Because God knows what’s in my heart. God knows what I need. He doesn’t need reminders. God doesn’t forget. I’m counting on him to make me whole again. I’m done trying to mend everything myself. I’m done trying to pretend like I know what’s best for me when I have the ultimate teacher waiting for me to put all my faith and trust in him. I have the ultimate healer.

In 2019, I’m leading with faith. Faith that I’m right where I’m supposed to be. Faith that the new year will bring more blessings and more positive transformations into my life. Faith that even if things don’t work out the way I want them to, they’re still working out in my favor. Faith that I’ll eventually receive everything I’ve been asking for because that’s what faith does, it turns everything around.

Do Me A Favor And Know When To End Things

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Do me a favor and know when to end things.

When it causes you more pain than joy, end it.

When it makes you feel like you’re not good enough, end it.

When it doesn’t make you proud of who you are, end it.

When you know this is not what you deserve, end it.

Have the courage to end what doesn’t serve you well.

Have the courage to end anything that manipulates you into someone you’re not.

Have the kind of faith that gives you the power to believe that something better is on its way to you even if you can’t see it yet.

Muster the courage to walk away even if staying is more comfortable. Even if staying is all you really want to do.

Because as much as ending things that we’re attached to is difficult, sometimes holding on to them is toxic. It’s toxic to try and fix something that’s already broken. It’s toxic to try and change someone who wants to remain the same. It’s toxic to drain yourself out of love when you’re not getting what you truly desire out of it.

We don’t have to mourn all endings. Some endings may be hard to swallow at first but when you look past the pain, you see the wisdom and the lessons behind them, the new opportunities they brought you and the new person they shaped you into. When you look past the pain, you will find that endings can be celebrated too.

So do me a favor and know when to end things because nothing is worse than knowing you deserve more, knowing you can get a lot more than what you’re getting but you’re choosing to settle instead. Nothing is worse than being with someone who challenges everything you believe about love.

So do me a favor and know when to end things, especially if they make you love yourself a little less.

Do me a favor and choose to end things that don’t make you a better person. Do me a favor and choose yourself.  

2018, I’m Ready To Let You Go

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Photo by Megan Lewis on Unsplash

I’m ready.

I’m ready to let you go. I’m so ready to let you go. You weren’t the easiest or the happiest and I’m ready to say goodbye to everything you’ve brought. I’m ready to let go of the parts of you that disappointed me, the people who let me down, the moments that I couldn’t hold myself together and the times when I almost gave up on myself.

I learned.

You taught me a few important lessons the hard way. You taught me that nothing is ever predictable, especially people. You taught me that family could easily diminish your value in a moment of anger, friends could replace you when they find their significant other, people can lie to your heart and break it just to mend theirs, but most of all you taught me how to stand alone, which will always be the hardest lesson for me, but you proved to me that the only person I can control is me and the only person I can really count on is also me. You taught me not to get too attached to people or trust too much or love too much. You taught me that I have to always guard myself even from the closest people to my heart. But…..

I forgive you.

I forgive you for all the pain, the betrayal, the unpleasant surprises, and the confusion. I forgive you for the countless nights you made me sleep with tears in my eyes. I forgive you for making the happy times short-lived. I forgive you for not going the way I wanted you to go. Maybe there is something about you that will help me in the years to come. Maybe as much as I want to forget you, you will be the year I look back on to avoid future disasters or think twice before getting close to someone again or maybe you’ll be the year that brought me closer to myself and that will make all the difference. However…

I appreciate you.

You still brought me a lot of blessings. A lot of laughter. A lot of unforgettable moments and people. A lot of memories that will make me smile for years to come. Ironically, as much as you made me feel dead inside, you brought me moments that made me feel alive like never before. You had your way of making up for the bad times or the hard times and I appreciate you for making a few things better. I appreciate you for giving me just enough to keep going, to keep believing, to look forward to what’s coming next and to have faith that the best is yet to come.

I’m going to get over you.

I’m already healing from your wounds. I’m already looking ahead. I’m done living in your sob story. I’m done being your victim. I’m done letting you take so much space and energy. I’m done dwelling on all the things I didn’t do and all the dreams you didn’t let me live. I’m done trying to make everything happen before you end.

You weren’t the year for me and it’s time to move on. It’s time to let you go.

2019 —

I don’t know what to expect, I don’t know what you hold for me, I don’t know if you’ll be better or worse, but I know that I’m ready for you. I’ve survived the worst and now I’m ready to write a new story on your empty pages, literally. I can only hope that this time, it’s going to be a happy one. I can only hope that this time, you are the year for me.

Maybe I Am ‘Too Much’ But I Just Can’t Be Anything Else

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Unsplash/kevin laminto

I don’t know how to be anything
other than intense.
All in.
Too much.
Too involved.
I don’t know how to be an almost
or anything in between.
But there’s a price you pay
when you can’t settle for the middle
because when you’re so fixated on
a certain kind of love
you become so good at letting go,
kissing people goodbye,
holding someone’s hand
only to unclasp your fingers,
getting so dangerously close
only to create a safer distance,
catching yourself before you fall
because you’re not so sure
if they will catch you.
And you don’t know how to half-love someone
or have bits and pieces of their heart,
You only know how to love with all your heart
and want the same in return.
So I got used to it all,
you know —
leaving,
moving on,
being on my own,
searching for answers,
walking my journey alone
because as much as I want to
hold someone’s hand
as I climb the mountain
and as much as I want to
share the view with someone,
I don’t know how to balance myself
if I’m not the only one.
I don’t know how to open the door
if I have one foot out.
So it doesn’t get to me anymore
when people call me too dreamy,
too romantic,
too idealistic,
or too much
because there’s a price you pay
when you don’t know how to settle,
you spend a lot of time waiting,
you spend a lot of time alone,
you don’t always have a hand to hold,
you don’t always have someone to call
but for some reason, you wait it out,
because you have faith that one of those days
your too muchness will be just enough
for the right person.

For The First Time In A Really Long Time, I’m Letting Go

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Unsplash/Will Li

For the first time in a really long time, I’m not going to rush the universe for answers. For the first time in a really long time, I’m the one who needs to slow down. I’m tired of trying to figure everything out. I’m tired of having to make immediate decisions. I’m tired of trying to fight what’s not meant to be.

For the first time in a really long time, I’m just letting things expire. I’m letting things fade away, I’m letting everything that once tortured me lose importance and lose depth. I’m letting those who betrayed me exit my mind and my heart.

I’m letting them go without waiting for the universe to bring them back because for the first time in a really long time, I don’t want any of them back. For the first time, I’m not waiting for the stars to align because it’s always been a little messy and a little dark with some people. It’s always been a little heavy and a little grey with others. It’s always been a little heartbreaking and now it’s time to move on. Now it’s time to heal. Now it’s time to start over in a whole new universe with new stars to look at and new skies to look up to.

Because for the first time in a really long time I’m not trying to fight for anyone and for the first time in a really long time, I’ve got nothing to lose.

I like my reality the way it is right now. I like how I don’t hide who I really am anymore. I like how I don’t try too hard to make people stay with me because I finally like my own company. I like how goodbyes don’t scare me. I like how other women don’t intimidate me. I like that I’m not worried about what’s going to happen next and I like that I now have faith that the universe will always have something better in store for me.

Because for the first time in a really long time, I’m not scared. Maybe I’m curious. Maybe I have a few things I’d like to understand but I’m not scared anymore. I am content. And that didn’t happen overnight. It took years of fears, insecurities, pain, questioning God and the universe but I’m here today and I think I learned my lesson. I’m no longer chasing answers. I’m no longer trying to fight my destiny. I’m no longer revisiting my past. I’m no longer trying to rewrite old memories. I’m just learning how to live. To let things be. To let things fall into place instead of trying to rearrange them.

Because for the first time in a really long time, I’m not trying to prove anything to anyone, I just want to live.

What If Roadblocks Were Actually Stepping Stones In Disguise?

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Unsplash/Igor Starkov
@igorstarkoff

I don’t know how long it takes for things to come together. For the wrongs to be right. For the lessons to sink in and for the mistakes to stop repeating themselves. I don’t know how long it takes for you to face your own truths, to win your internal battles, to have an honest conversation with yourself and ask the hard questions until you stop running away from the answers when they’re not the answers you hoped they’d be.

I don’t know how long it takes for life to start making sense or for your dreams to come true or for your happiness to stop evading you. I don’t know how long it takes until you can rest your head on the pillow and sleep peacefully without carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. I don’t know how long it takes for you to wake up and find everything you’ve ever wanted waiting for you in the morning.

But I do know that you have to believe that it’s right around corner, that it’s going to happen sooner than you think, that things have a way of turning around in the blink of an eye, that your happy ending is not an elusive fantasy but a reality waiting for the right moment to enter your life.

I know you carry with you the heaviness of a painful past and the emptiness of broken relationships. I know you carry burdens from your family and heartaches from your past lovers but I also know that these are just crumbs of things that have already burnt. These are just remnants of hitting rock bottom and all you have to do is dust yourself off and step into your new power, your new light, your new life. A life that’s not defined by anything that you didn’t have control over or anyone who has deeply hurt you. A life that’s not defined by old wounds or hidden scars.

Because the beauty of life is that you can always redefine it, you can always change it, you can always rewrite your story if you no longer want to live the same old one.

And yes I’m aware that there are things in life you can’t control and things that you can’t really change but I also know that these roadblocks are not in your life so you can turn the other way and drive off, they’re there so you can find a way around them, to figure out a new way to get to your destination without backing up. They’re there so you can learn how to keep moving instead of standing still.

I don’t know if there’s a manual that teaches you how to maneuver these roadblocks but I do know that sometimes you might have to write your own manual. And I don’t know if you’ll ever master or perfect the art of penetrating these roadblocks but I do know that every time you try, a new street opens up, you notice a new sign, you find a new direction, you see a lamppost that lights up the way and shows you what’s ahead of you. You discover something that makes the journey a little less terrifying.

You learn that there’s always something better waiting for you after every roadblock. A little detour that takes you to a whole new path that would have stayed out of sight had you stopped. You eventually learn that roadblocks are not trying to ruin your life, they’re trying to move you into another direction that brings you closer to where you truly belong.

This Is Your Closure

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Unsplash/Joshua Rawson-Harris

Maybe he really loved you.
Maybe she really cared.
He probably wasn’t lying
when he said you were special.
She probably was telling the truth
when she told you she needed you.
Maybe he was truly afraid of losing you.
Maybe she did see a future with you.
Maybe everything that was said at the moment was true.
Maybe they weren’t all lies.
Maybe all these promises were
never meant to be broken.
But here’s what makes all the difference,
here’s the one question you should always ask yourself —
Where are they now?
Why didn’t they stay?
Why didn’t they hold on? 
Why weren’t they beside you
when you didn’t have anyone by your side?
Why did he leave?
Why did she walk away?
Because he can be prince charming
when things are pretty
and she can be your biggest fan
when you’re saying all the right things,
but when the ride gets bumpy
and the road gets darker
and you’re lost in the middle of nowhere
you’ll need someone who shows up for you.
Someone who stays with you
until you find your way home
or someone who gets lost with you.
Because you’ve been walking alone
and you’re good at it.
You know how to get around and
you know you will eventually find your way
but if you’re going to pick someone to join you
don’t pick the one who is going to drop you off
at the nearest exit,
pick the one who will stick around till the end.
Pick the one who blasts the music so loud to silence your fears.
Pick the one who holds your hand and tells you you’re almost there.
Pick the one who will go anywhere with you.
So here’s your closure;
it’s not about whether or not they meant what they said
or whether their feelings were true.
It’s about where they are now
Are they here with you?
or are they driving away?
And if they drove away
please keep walking alone.
You don’t need another temporary passenger.
You don’t need another fictitious closure.