Tag Archives: Feelings

This Is Your Closure

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Unsplash/Joshua Rawson-Harris

Maybe he really loved you.
Maybe she really cared.
He probably wasn’t lying
when he said you were special.
She probably was telling the truth
when she told you she needed you.
Maybe he was truly afraid of losing you.
Maybe she did see a future with you.
Maybe everything that was said at the moment was true.
Maybe they weren’t all lies.
Maybe all these promises were
never meant to be broken.
But here’s what makes all the difference,
here’s the one question you should always ask yourself —
Where are they now?
Why didn’t they stay?
Why didn’t they hold on? 
Why weren’t they beside you
when you didn’t have anyone by your side?
Why did he leave?
Why did she walk away?
Because he can be prince charming
when things are pretty
and she can be your biggest fan
when you’re saying all the right things,
but when the ride gets bumpy
and the road gets darker
and you’re lost in the middle of nowhere
you’ll need someone who shows up for you.
Someone who stays with you
until you find your way home
or someone who gets lost with you.
Because you’ve been walking alone
and you’re good at it.
You know how to get around and
you know you will eventually find your way
but if you’re going to pick someone to join you
don’t pick the one who is going to drop you off
at the nearest exit,
pick the one who will stick around till the end.
Pick the one who blasts the music so loud to silence your fears.
Pick the one who holds your hand and tells you you’re almost there.
Pick the one who will go anywhere with you.
So here’s your closure;
it’s not about whether or not they meant what they said
or whether their feelings were true.
It’s about where they are now
Are they here with you?
or are they driving away?
And if they drove away
please keep walking alone.
You don’t need another temporary passenger.
You don’t need another fictitious closure.

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“It’s Like You Don’t Know How To Feel Anymore”

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Unsplash/Tyler Nix

A few days ago, I saw a psychic reading special in my neighborhood — given how much I love psychics, I didn’t need a special to tempt me to go in for a reading but it was a good enough reason for me to get one. I haven’t had a reading in a while.

She started by analyzing my character and telling me a few things about my family, my childhood and my career, all too familiar, nothing I haven’t heard before but this time, when it came to predicting my love life, she just paused, took a long heavy sigh and said “well my dear it looks like you don’t know how to feel anymore, why is that?”

At first, I wanted to tell her that if she’s a real psychic, she should know but I held back my sarcasm and just told her I don’t know. I make a living out of feeling too much and writing my feelings down. She was surprised and confused, held my palm closer and told me “You just don’t know how to feel anymore.” At that point, I knew I wasn’t going to change her mind and I was ready to get this reading over with before she tells me I need to heal my aura for $300 to remove any love blockages.

On my way back though, it hit me, was the psychic actually, right? Do I not know how to feel anymore? Or am I just afraid of my own feelings?

Her comment bothered me for a reason, there must be some truth to it because deep down I know, my heart is not the same anymore.

All I did for the past five years was learn how to let go, how to move on, how to start over, how to love myself, work on myself, be independent and be strong. Mending everything my heart once destroyed. Putting back together everything my feelings once shattered.

All my experiences haven’t been smooth or easy and every year has been more of a battlefield than a playground. This whole process of self-improvement and personal development and trying to fix what others broke is draining. Granted, it’s worth it but it takes everything you’ve got to fight back, to believe, to keep trying, to keep smiling or keep breathing.

Of course I don’t know how to feel anymore, of course I’m scared of my own feelings because of the time and effort it took to embrace standing alone, because of the battles I’ve fought to live a life that makes me happy, because of the energy I’ve used up to be somewhat resilient. 

It’s true that sometimes when you focus on one thing, you lose something else in return and in this case, I think I lost the appetite to feel deeply or get attached to my emotions. I think I forgot how to trust my heart. How to be vulnerable. To let myself go. To surrender to such powerful emotions. I’m always trying to hold back. Always having one foot out the door. Always ready to walk away.

But here’s what I know for sure, that maybe I don’t know how to feel right now, but when the time is right and my walls come crashing down one by one, I will begin to trust my heart blindly again. All the feelings will come rushing back home. All those pent-up emotions will safely resurface. All those fears will subside and following my heart will not be another recipe for disaster.

And even though right now I may not know how to feel, I can still feel that it’s all coming back to me soon. I think I’ve done my fair share of learning and healing. It’s all coming together because, at the end of the day, you cannot lose something that was once ingrained in you.

You cannot run away from who you really are.

I Hope You Know That You Always Have A Choice

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Unsplash/Jéssica Oliveira

 

I hope you know that you always have a choice.

I hope you understand that you are capable of changing your life even if the odds are against you. I hope you know that there are people out there who are willing to help you and guide you until you make it on your own. I hope you know that the kind of happiness you’re looking for is not out of reach.

I hope you still remember what happiness looks like, what it feels like and what it means to you because life has a way of making you forget and life has a way of making you believe that you don’t deserve it. I hope you still have the courage to fight for that happiness and fight for that life. I hope you don’t make settling a habit just because it’s easier. I hope you don’t make pain a permanent friend just because it’s been with you for a while. I hope you understand that pain is there to make you grow instead of making you suffer.

I hope you know that you always have a choice.

I hope you don’t give up on your love story just because all your previous stories ended in heartbreak. I hope you still believe in the kind of love that softens your heart and makes you trust again. The kind of love that brings out the depths of your emotions, the beauty of your soul and the kindness of your heart. The kind of love that doesn’t remind you of everything that’s wrong with the world. I hope you find the kind of love that restores your faith in romance. The kind of love that stands by you and makes you feel at home.

And I hope you have the courage to leave the kind of love that poisons your heart. The kind of love that forces you to hide who you are or play games or question yourself. I hope you can still take your heart back from those who destroyed it.

I hope you know that you always have a choice.

But more than anything, I hope you never give up on yourself. Your dreams. Your happiness. Your ideas. Your feelings. Your voice. And I hope you know that they matter. Please don’t discount them. Please don’t forget them. Please don’t let your mistakes define you.

I hope you can forgive yourself. I hope you don’t forget your worth because of a few mistakes or a few people who couldn’t love you. I hope you read this and remember that you’re here to evolve. You’re here to learn. You’re not here to be perfect. You’re not here to do everything right.

I hope you know that you always have a choice.

And I hope that in the coldest of moments, you choose to show the world your warmth. And in the midst of all tragedies, you choose to show the world your faith.

And through it all, I hope you always choose yourself. 

I Am Slowly Learning That I Don’t Have To Believe The Stories Others Have Written About Me

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Unsplash/Mark Alexandrovich

I am slowly learning that I don’t have to believe the stories others have written about me. I don’t have to be the character they want to be. I don’t have to give them the happy ending they want. It’s not their story. It’s mine and I won’t let them take the pen away from me again.

They want to paint me as the villain so they can sleep better at night or they want to paint me as the victim so they can feel powerful and victorious. They want to paint me as the crazy, rebellious, lost soul so they can feel like they have someone to guide whereas they’re the ones who really need guidance. They want to paint me as the inconsiderate, heartless kid so they can justify the hurtful words they said.

I am slowly learning that some people will always mold you into their story the way they want it to be because everyone wants to be the hero in their own story, no one wants to be the bad guy. No one wants to write the truth. Everyone wants to write the reality they wish they were living and when you give them something that changes that narrative, they will do their best to write you off because changing their script means facing realities they’ve neglected for years. Changing their script means starting over. Changing their script means exposing their lies and some people out there love living a lie — a fabricated story they tell people so they can glorify themselves.

But I am slowly learning that I’m not like that. I write my story the way it is even if it hurts. I don’t write lies and believe them. I don’t write a fake reality so I can impress people. I write everything they erase. I write all the words they don’t want me to say out loud. I tell the stories they don’t want anyone to know. I don’t sugarcoat their bitterness.

And maybe that’s why they paint me as the villain and maybe I’m okay with that because a person who has already lost everything has nothing more to lose and even if they break all my fingers, I’m not giving them the pen again because my story will always glorify my honesty and their story will always glorify their lies. And maybe that’s why we can’t read the same story and maybe that’s why our story is finally over.

Come Find Me When You’re Ready

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Unsplash/Dan 7Kidz

Come find me when you’re ready to dive deeper into love.

Come find me when you’re done with all your games.

Come find me when your need for love is greater than your need for attention.

Come find me when you want to have something real.

Come find me when you’re looking for quality over quantity.

Come find me when you’re done chasing temporary things.

Come find me when you’re ready to bare your soul.

Come find me when you’re not afraid to be vulnerable.

Come find me when you’re not scared of showing me your scars.

Come find me when you’re ready to share every little part of your life with someone.

Come find me when you’re ready to hand someone your whole heart.

Come find me when you’re looking for the truth.

Come find me when you need someone to understand your complexities.

Come find me when you’re looking for someone to reflect your soul.

Come find me when you’re looking for forever not just for right now.

Come find me when you’re looking for a home, not a vacation.

Come find me when you’re tired of running and you’re finally ready to stay.