You have to first ask yourself if this is the kind of love you’ve been searching for? Is this the kind of love that you’ve worked so hard on yourself for? Does it match your energy? Does it love you the way you want to be loved? Does it make you feel at ease and inspired or anxious and confused? You have to ask yourself is this person giving you their undivided love and attention or are they giving you bits and pieces because you deserve a love that’s whole.
You have to ask yourself if this person is choosing you above all else, do they cherish you and are they truly afraid of losing you or do you find yourself always questioning what you mean to them? Because you don’t deserve the kind of love that leaves you with questions, you deserve the kind of love that gives you answers.
And I know it’s not easy to close the door on someone you want or close the door when you still have so much to say and so much to do. It’s not easy to close the door after you’ve invested time and effort and shared your deepest secrets but sometimes leaving that door open will only hurt you down the line because you don’t deserve a love than abandons you. You don’t deserve the kind of love that makes you want to run away and leave. You don’t deserve the kind of love that doesn’t fight for you to stay. You deserve a love that feels like home. The kind of home that you long to go back to after a rainy day. The kind of home you don’t want to leave on Friday nights and Sunday mornings. The kind of home that makes you sleep at night knowing you’re exactly where you belong.
Letting go doesn’t mean you stop loving the person or stop wishing them well, it just means that you’re not willing to accept the kind of love they have to offer at the moment. It means that you have recognized that you both have different love languages and you’re looking for different things and sometimes the other person will never understand your language or speak it. Eventually, you’ll find yourself asking for things that you shouldn’t be asking for or things that should come naturally from someone who loves you and cares about you.
Letting go doesn’t mean you stop loving the person, it just means that you have to accept that this is not the kind of love you want to settle for because you know that someone else will have the capacity to love you a lot more and they will always speak your language so you don’t have to spend your whole time translating it.
You won’t recognize this new me, you won’t recognize my laughter, I don’t find your jokes funny anymore. You won’t recognize my eyes, they no longer admire you, they no longer look for you.
You won’t recognize my hands, they no longer long for your touch, they no longer want to hold you. You won’t recognize my energy, I’m not available to you anymore, I’m not yours this time and it’s your turn to feel my absence.
You won’t recognize my heart, it doesn’t beat for you anymore, it doesn’t miss you, it’s not the same. Or maybe it is, maybe it has always been this way. People break it thinking it won’t mend itself or heal but it always bounces back even stronger. It always comes back to me, intact unable to settle for half-hearted love or mediocre relationships.
You won’t recognize me now, look at me all you want but you will never see me because I put myself back together in ways you will never understand.
It sucks that when I sleep at night, I can only think of how good it feels to sleep without wondering what you’re doing, who you’re talking to or trying to find the truth between your lies.
It sucks that when I wake up, I don’t miss your good morning text. The one that was probably sent to many. The one that eventually stopped meaning anything if I wasn’t the only one you think of when you wake up in the morning. It sucks that when I wake up, I have one less thing to worry about. One less burden.
It sucks that when someone brings up your name, I have to nod and agree with everything they’re saying about you. It sucks that I can’t defend you or your actions because you didn’t prove any of them wrong. You didn’t even try.
It sucks that when I think about my future, I feel better that you won’t be in it. Thinking of all the ways you could have screwed me over. Thinking of all the ways you could have ruined it with your presence. It sucks that walking away may have been the best thing I did for myself.
It sucks that you were once an important somebody who quickly turned into a nobody, but you know what sucks even more, staying when I know I’m not being valued. Staying with someone who can’t handle their own baggage or their own problems. Staying with someone who finds it so easy to lie instead of facing the truth. Staying when every day felt like I was losing a part of myself.
What sucks even more, is staying with someone who doesn’t make me a better person. Staying when I know I can find someone else who wants to give me the world. A world where I don’t have to apologize for my heart or regret trusting someone or giving someone my all. Someone who can’t picture his world without me in it.
It sucks that your memory is now grimy and dusty….but I guess that’s how I became clean. I had to see who you really were underneath all the glitz and the glam. At the end of the day, an empty heart, an empty soul will never recognize a heart that’s full of love. A shallow heart will never understand a deep one. A selfish heart can never give. A dead heart can never beat.