Tag Archives: heartbreak

This Is Your Closure

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Unsplash/Joshua Rawson-Harris

Maybe he really loved you.
Maybe she really cared.
He probably wasn’t lying
when he said you were special.
She probably was telling the truth
when she told you she needed you.
Maybe he was truly afraid of losing you.
Maybe she did see a future with you.
Maybe everything that was said at the moment was true.
Maybe they weren’t all lies.
Maybe all these promises were
never meant to be broken.
But here’s what makes all the difference,
here’s the one question you should always ask yourself —
Where are they now?
Why didn’t they stay?
Why didn’t they hold on? 
Why weren’t they beside you
when you didn’t have anyone by your side?
Why did he leave?
Why did she walk away?
Because he can be prince charming
when things are pretty
and she can be your biggest fan
when you’re saying all the right things,
but when the ride gets bumpy
and the road gets darker
and you’re lost in the middle of nowhere
you’ll need someone who shows up for you.
Someone who stays with you
until you find your way home
or someone who gets lost with you.
Because you’ve been walking alone
and you’re good at it.
You know how to get around and
you know you will eventually find your way
but if you’re going to pick someone to join you
don’t pick the one who is going to drop you off
at the nearest exit,
pick the one who will stick around till the end.
Pick the one who blasts the music so loud to silence your fears.
Pick the one who holds your hand and tells you you’re almost there.
Pick the one who will go anywhere with you.
So here’s your closure;
it’s not about whether or not they meant what they said
or whether their feelings were true.
It’s about where they are now
Are they here with you?
or are they driving away?
And if they drove away
please keep walking alone.
You don’t need another temporary passenger.
You don’t need another fictitious closure.

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“It’s Like You Don’t Know How To Feel Anymore”

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Unsplash/Tyler Nix

A few days ago, I saw a psychic reading special in my neighborhood — given how much I love psychics, I didn’t need a special to tempt me to go in for a reading but it was a good enough reason for me to get one. I haven’t had a reading in a while.

She started by analyzing my character and telling me a few things about my family, my childhood and my career, all too familiar, nothing I haven’t heard before but this time, when it came to predicting my love life, she just paused, took a long heavy sigh and said “well my dear it looks like you don’t know how to feel anymore, why is that?”

At first, I wanted to tell her that if she’s a real psychic, she should know but I held back my sarcasm and just told her I don’t know. I make a living out of feeling too much and writing my feelings down. She was surprised and confused, held my palm closer and told me “You just don’t know how to feel anymore.” At that point, I knew I wasn’t going to change her mind and I was ready to get this reading over with before she tells me I need to heal my aura for $300 to remove any love blockages.

On my way back though, it hit me, was the psychic actually, right? Do I not know how to feel anymore? Or am I just afraid of my own feelings?

Her comment bothered me for a reason, there must be some truth to it because deep down I know, my heart is not the same anymore.

All I did for the past five years was learn how to let go, how to move on, how to start over, how to love myself, work on myself, be independent and be strong. Mending everything my heart once destroyed. Putting back together everything my feelings once shattered.

All my experiences haven’t been smooth or easy and every year has been more of a battlefield than a playground. This whole process of self-improvement and personal development and trying to fix what others broke is draining. Granted, it’s worth it but it takes everything you’ve got to fight back, to believe, to keep trying, to keep smiling or keep breathing.

Of course I don’t know how to feel anymore, of course I’m scared of my own feelings because of the time and effort it took to embrace standing alone, because of the battles I’ve fought to live a life that makes me happy, because of the energy I’ve used up to be somewhat resilient. 

It’s true that sometimes when you focus on one thing, you lose something else in return and in this case, I think I lost the appetite to feel deeply or get attached to my emotions. I think I forgot how to trust my heart. How to be vulnerable. To let myself go. To surrender to such powerful emotions. I’m always trying to hold back. Always having one foot out the door. Always ready to walk away.

But here’s what I know for sure, that maybe I don’t know how to feel right now, but when the time is right and my walls come crashing down one by one, I will begin to trust my heart blindly again. All the feelings will come rushing back home. All those pent-up emotions will safely resurface. All those fears will subside and following my heart will not be another recipe for disaster.

And even though right now I may not know how to feel, I can still feel that it’s all coming back to me soon. I think I’ve done my fair share of learning and healing. It’s all coming together because, at the end of the day, you cannot lose something that was once ingrained in you.

You cannot run away from who you really are.

The Wrong Kind Of Love Is Overrated

 

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Unsplash/Tyler Nix

Trust me when I say the wrong kind of love is overrated. Wanting someone you can’t have. Missing someone who wasn’t really yours. It’s all in your head. Fighting for someone’s attention when they’re so easily distracted by anything other than you. Trust me, you don’t want someone who can’t see you or see your worth. You don’t want someone who doesn’t want to spend time with you. You don’t want someone who keeps making excuses as to why you can’t be together instead of finding reasons to make it work. You don’t want someone who makes you feel like getting to know you is heavy or frustrating. You don’t want someone who makes you feel like you’re so hard to be with. You don’t want someone who can’t communicate the truth to you when you need it most. You don’t want someone with a weak heart who can’t handle all of you because darling, you’re not for the faint of heart.

Trust me, it’s overrated.

Once you take them off that pedestal and put yourself back on there, you’ll realize that you should have knocked them down a long time ago. Because it’s overrated. Their love is nothing but a waste of time. It will never match yours and they will never bring out the best in you. It’s pointless. Wanting someone who suppresses the most beautiful and vulnerable parts of you. Talking to someone who forces you to bite your tongue and curb your deepest emotions. Running a mile for someone who wouldn’t even walk an inch for you.

You don’t need that and you also don’t need closure. Your closure is knowing your worth and taking back all the love you’ve given to the wrong ones and pouring it on the one who truly deserves your love because that’s when you’ll know it’s right, when you pour your love on someone and it doesn’t leave you feeling empty.