Rania Naim

Rania Naim

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Rania Naim

Rania Naim

Instagram @ranianaim

For the first time in a really long time, I’m finding beauty in being on my own. In taking care of myself for once. In waking up every day trying to do something solely for the sake of my happiness. Trying to do something that will bring me closer to my dreams. For the first time in a really long time, I truly want to be on my own. It’s not a show. It’s not an act to sugarcoat ‘loneliness.’ It’s never been as real as it is now. For the first time in a really long time, I am admitting that I may be emotionally unavailable, that I still need time to heal. For the first time in a really long time, I’m not looking for healing in others. I’m not seeking validation to feel better about my own wrongdoings or shortcomings. For the first time in a really long time, I’m truly learning what it means to forgive myself, to stop beating myself up for every little mistake. I’m truly learning what it means to have the courage to redeem myself and admit that some things were all my fault and it’s never too late to try and rectify them. And that’s okay, it’s okay to look inside for all the answers. It’s okay to start over and admit that for the longest time you haven’t been doing things right or you weren’t in the right state of mind. As long as you’re determined to be the best version of yourself. As long as you’re ready to walk away from certain people and situations that aren’t going to help you rise above your challenges. For the first time in a really long time, I’m not afraid of change. I’m actually looking forward to it. I’m looking forward to the things I’ll find out along the way, the people I’ll meet, the secrets I’ll unravel, the people I’ll love, the people I’ll forgive, the people I’ll say goodbye to. I’m looking forward to changing myself again, I’ve done it before so many times only because I had to, only because I had no other choice but for the first time in a really long time, I’m changing because I want to. I want to change so many things, I want to become so many things and I think I finally figured out where to start…..and for now, it’s my journey. Mine alone. For now, it’s a solo ride.

The healthiest thing you could do for yourself is to set boundaries so you can protect yourself because if you don’t, people will always be okay with disrespecting you or walking all over you without apologizing for it. Some people prefer that you set your boundaries so low so they can benefit from it and some of them want to keep having the upper hand so they can cross the line whenever they feel like it. Boundaries also show you who truly wants to stay in your life and who just wants you in theirs under their own conditions. You’re allowed to set boundaries and keep reinforcing them until people understand. You’re allowed to create a healthy space for you and those who come into your life. You’re allowed to walk away from those who constantly violate your boundaries and disrespect you. You’re allowed to prioritize your needs without feeling guilty about it. People sometimes make you feel bad about your boundaries in an attempt to violate them or make you rethink your boundaries but the truth is, one of the hardest things you could do is to set boundaries with those you love because we’re naturally inclined to please them at the expense of our own happiness. We’re naturally inclined to say yes to those we love even if we want to say no because it’s easier to avoid conflict than to stand our ground but as the saying goes, you are not required to set yourself on fire to make people warm and it’s empowering to walk away from something that isn’t serving you, even from the closest people to you. Boundaries reflect your values and your character and they give people a choice to either act right or leave. You need to set limits because people rarely do and it’s your job to make it known one way or another that you don’t accept the things you are not okay with and if people get upset when you do, then they weren’t in your life for the right reasons. The healthiest thing you could do for yourself is to set boundaries because it’s the easiest way to reveal people’s true colors and true intentions. It’s the easiest way to filter out those who weren’t true to you to begin with.

If it’s meant for you, it won’t be toxic. It won’t bring out your insecurities or your fears or the worst in you because it will bring peace into your life and into your heart. If it’s meant for you, it won’t feel like a burden. You won’t have to explain to anyone why it’s not as bad as they think it is and you won’t have to go to sleep wondering if you’re lying to yourself because you’d be sure of it. You’d be sure that it’s right for you. If it’s meant for you, it won’t feel like a war. A war with yourself because you’re letting it drag on or because you can’t get out of it. A war with your friends because they can all see that you’re settling. A war with love because part of you knows that it shouldn’t be this hard but the other part just can’t give it up. If it’s meant for you, you won’t have to constantly question if it is. You won’t have to look for signs or ask for advice or look for confirmation that it’s right. You’d just know. It will feel like home. It will make you feel safe. It will give you one less thing to worry about. It will be healthy for you. If it’s meant for you, it won’t break your heart. There may be disappointments or letdowns or conflicts but it will never break your spirit, it will never close your heart off and it will never let you suppress your innermost feelings. Because what’s meant for you doesn’t come around very often, but when it does, when it’s not another lesson or another mistake, when it’s finally yours after everything you’ve endured and everything you’ve been through, it comes like a wave washing away the dirty past, the unfavorable choices and the painful endings. It comes to fix what you broke. It comes to heal you. Because what’s meant for you is something God has chosen for you only and you can hardly ever go wrong with that.

It’s time to stop apologizing for your heart. For the way you feel everything so deeply. It’s time to stop listening to those who tell you that it needs to slow down or stop or hold back. It’s time to stop suppressing how you really feel because nothing feels better than setting your heart free, nothing feels better than knowing exactly where you stand so your heart can finally have an answer. So your heart can either dive in or move on. Nothing feels better than liberating your heart from the cage people want to lock it in. It’s time to stop apologizing for the way you put your heart back together or the way you heal. It’s time to stop apologizing for the way you choose to mend your heart and it’s time to stop apologizing for your new standards or your new boundaries. It’s time to stop apologizing for the ways you guard yourself and the people you choose to let in. It’s time to stop apologizing for the doors you close and the people you leave to protect your heart. It’s time to stop apologizing for how you choose to show your love. Whether you love too much or too soon, whether you’re too emotional or too romantic, whether you’re too trusting or too forgiving. It’s time to stop apologizing for not wanting to settle, for not playing the games people play or for not wearing a false mask so you can get false attention. It’s time to stop apologizing for the way your heart beats and what makes it feel alive. It’s time to stop apologizing for how long it takes you to move on or why you decide to leave. It’s time to stop apologizing for taking back your love from those who didn’t make you feel enough or those who made you feel like you’re too hard to handle. It’s time to stop apologizing for your heart and how it fights for love or how it chooses not to give up on it no matter how many times it got broken. It’s time to stop apologizing for who you are.

I no longer have the patience for inconsistency, for hearts that change so suddenly, for people who say everything right until things go wrong. I no longer have the tolerance for people who promise me the world then fail to show up when mine comes crashing down. I no longer have time for dishonest love or hesitant hearts or almost relationships. And I guess this is what happens after you’ve given out a thousand chances and got none in return and after you’ve been betrayed time and time again. You begin to give yourself the love you didn’t receive, you begin to invest all your love and energy in yourself, you become for yourself everything others couldn’t be for you and when that happens, your self-assurance stems from you, from your self-love and from your own validation. You become the center of your own life. Because the truth is self-love looks better on you than heartbreak. Self-loves looks better on you than chasing after the wrong people. Self-love looks better on you than staying with someone who doesn’t see your worth. Self-love looks better on you than being in a relationship that dims your light. And when you’re equipped with a good amount of self-love, you automatically reject those who can’t love you with the same intensity, you switch off your buttons when people push yours and you stop watering those who don’t help you bloom. Because self-love looks better on you than self-loathe. Self-love looks better on you than self-pity. Because if all those failed relationships taught me something, it’s that every time you choose to be alone instead of being with someone who doesn’t soften your heart, you win. Every time you walk away from a toxic situation or from someone who chooses not to give you everything they’ve got, you win and every time you give up someone to heal yourself, you win, Because self-love looks better on you than heartache and healing looks better on you than self-inflicted pain.

You won’t recognize this new me, you won’t recognize my laughter, I don’t find your jokes funny anymore. You won’t recognize my eyes, they no longer admire you, they no longer look for you. You won’t recognize my hands, they no longer long for your touch, they no longer want to hold you. You won’t recognize my energy, I’m not available to you anymore, I’m not yours this time and it’s your turn to feel my absence. You won’t recognize my heart, it doesn’t beat for you anymore, it doesn’t miss you, it’s not the same. Or maybe it is, maybe it has always been this way. People break it thinking it won’t mend itself or heal but it always bounces back even stronger. It always comes back to me, intact unable to settle for half-hearted love or mediocre relationships. You won’t recognize me now, look at me all you want but you will never see me because I put myself back together in ways you will never understand.

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Writer & Poet

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