Rania Naim

Rania Naim

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Rania Naim

Rania Naim

Instagram @ranianaim

Dear God, Please don’t let me get attached to what’s not meant for me anymore. Don’t let me get attached to something or someone that you plan on taking away from me. I know your plan is unknown but until you reveal it to me, please make it easier. Don’t let me hold on to what I need to let go of. Don’t let me fight for what I need to release. Do not let me desire what will eventually destroy me. Do not let me love those who will break my heart. Because I get attached easily and I hold on to things tightly, so please don’t let my mind want things that I can’t handle, don’t let my mind trick me into wanting things I don’t need or things that are not good for me. Please don’t let my heart miss people who don’t miss me. Don’t let my heart long for the ones who left. Don’t let my heart fall in love with someone who doesn’t want to stay. Please don’t let me get attached to the things that keep me up at night, to people who leave me wondering and to places I’m not meant to live in. Bring me closer to what’s meant for me, let me hold on to those who are meant to stay. But let me forget about the things that were never meant to be, give me the faith I need to believe that I’m better off without them. Give me the wisdom I need to realize that I deserve so much better and that I’ll be happier somewhere else with somebody else. Or just give me tolerance I need right now to be okay with not getting the things I want, with not loving the ones I wanted to love and give me the patience I need to wait for your blessings and wait for your gifts. But for now, please don’t let me get attached to what’s wrong for me. Don’t let me invest so much in things or people I’m bound to lose. Don’t let me want what’s not mine. Don’t let me build a future around what’s temporary.

For the first time in a really long time, I’m not going to rush the universe for answers. For the first time in a really long time, I’m the one who needs to slow down. I’m tired of trying to figure everything out. I’m tired of trying to fight what’s not meant to be. For the first time in a really long time, I’m just letting things expire. I’m letting things fade away, I’m letting everything that once tortured me lose importance and lose depth. I’m letting those who betrayed me exit my mind and my heart. I’m letting them go without waiting for the universe to bring them back because for the first time in a really long time, I don’t want any of them back. For the first time, I’m not waiting for the stars to align because it’s always been a little messy and a little dark with some people. It’s always been a little heavy and a little grey with others. It’s always been a little heartbreaking and now it’s time to move on. Now it’s time to heal. Now it’s time to start over in a whole new universe with new stars to look at and new skies to look up to. Because for the first time in a really long time I’m not trying to fight for anyone and for the first time in a really long time, I’ve got nothing to lose. I like my reality the way it is right now. I like how I don’t hide who I really am anymore. I like how I don’t try too hard to make people stay with me because I finally like my own company. I like how goodbyes don’t scare me. I like how other women don’t intimidate me. I like not knowing what’s going to happen next and I like that I now have faith that the universe will always have something better in store for me. Because for the first time in a really long time, I’m not scared. Maybe I’m curious. Maybe I have a few things I’d like to understand but I’m not scared anymore. I am content. I’m no longer trying to fight my destiny. I’m no longer revisiting my past. I’m no longer trying to rewrite old memories. I’m just learning how to live. To let things be. To let things fall into place instead of trying to rearrange them. Because for the first time in a really long time, I’m not trying to prove anything to anyone, I just want to live.

I don’t know how long it takes for things to come together. For the wrongs to be right. For the lessons to sink in and for the mistakes to stop repeating themselves. I don’t know how long it takes for life to start making sense or for your dreams to come true or for your happiness to stop evading you. I don’t know how long it takes for you to wake up and find everything you’ve ever wanted waiting for you in the morning. But I do know that you have to believe that it’s right around corner, that it’s going to happen sooner than you think, that things have a way of turning around in the blink of an eye, that your happy ending is not an elusive fantasy but a reality waiting for the right moment to enter your life. I know you carry with you the heaviness of a painful past and the emptiness of broken relationships.I know you keep trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel but it only keeps getting darker but I also know that these are just crumbs of things that have already burnt. These are just remnants of hitting rock bottom and all you have to do is dust yourself off and step into your new life. A life that’s not defined by old wounds or hidden scars. Because the beauty of life is that you can always redefine it. You can always rewrite your story if you no longer want to live the same old one. And yes I’m aware that there are things in life you can’t control and things that you can’t change but I also know that these roadblocks are not in your life so you can turn the other way and drive off, they’re there so you can find a way around them, so you can learn how to keep moving instead of standing still. I don’t know if there’s a manual that teaches you how to maneuver these roadblocks but I do know that sometimes you might have to write your own manual. And I don’t know if you’ll ever master the art of penetrating these roadblocks but I do know that every time you try, a new street opens up, you notice a new sign, you find a lamppost that lights up the way and shows you what’s ahead of you. You discover something that makes the journey a little less terrifying. You learn that there’s always something better waiting for you after every roadblock.

They don’t tell you that it’s so easy to forget that we don’t have to stay stuck in one place. It’s easy to forget that we can’t change our lives or leave toxic people who bring us nothing but pain behind. It’s so easy to forget that we have been living a lie and we can’t do anything about it because of the havoc that we might cause if we start being true to ourselves. It’s so easy to forget that we actually have a choice. A choice to start over. A choice to walk away. A choice to move. A choice to change. A choice to take a leap of faith. A choice to find what brings us joy. A choice to leave what once defined us. Because the truth is there’s a part of you that knows when something has run its course, when something has served its purpose and when it’s time for a new beginning. There’s a part of you that’s always ready to face what you’re afraid to admit to yourself. I think what holds us back is fear, fear of letting go, fear of detaching from who we are, fear of losing what we worked so hard to achieve. Fear of changing what we think is the ‘best version’ of ourselves. But here’s the terrifying truth, maybe it’s okay to feel like your ‘best self’ is not who you really want to be anymore. Maybe it’s not so bad to break what once made us whole. We’re allowed to outgrow certain parts of our lives that we once fought so hard for or certain people who we once loved with all our hearts. It’s so easy to forget that your ‘best-self’ may not be the best after all. Maybe it was for a little while, but it won’t be forever. And I get it, it’s exhausting; changing, starting over, relearning who you are and what you need, feeling that you wasted years working so hard for something only to abandon it in the end. But what’s harder is living with a voice inside of you that’s that’s constantly telling you that something is off; you’re not where you’re meant to be. You’re not who you could become. Because they don’t tell you that while it’s so easy to forget that we have a choice, it’s also so easy to remember that we can always make a different one. One that could change our lives for the umpteenth time and yes, it’s so easy to remember how to do it all over again.

Goodbye feels different this time. It feels like the last time. It’s not like all the other times where I took my word back and stuck around. It’s not like all the other times when I said I’d leave but I knew I’d always come back and stay. It’s not like all the other times when my heart still had more love and chances to dole out to you. It’s for real this time. Here I am, taking one last look at our favorite restaurant and our favorite bar, and all the nights I had to drink my pain away. Here I am, standing in front of my favorite monument, taking one last look at the place that held my secrets and wiped away my tears. Here I am, taking it all in so I can release it all out. Here I am saying one final goodbye because I know this time there’s no looking back. Here I am learning how to live without you again. I don’t know if I’ll miss you and I don’t know if I’ll miss the place we once called home, but I know that at this moment, I miss myself more. I’m finding myself before I find you this time. I’m choosing myself over you this time. The universe is not holding back this time. The universe is telling me that this is the end of this story. This is the end of our time together. There’s no more room for me here in your heart or in your home. There’s no room for me here in this city or in this crowd. Because here I am standing still at the place where it all started and I don’t feel a thing. I look at the people around me running around like I once did — trying to find themselves or find someone to love and I remember that not too long ago, that was me. Not too long ago, I thought you were the answer but now I know that the answer will always be with me. But here I am standing still, smiling, because I know this is the last time I’ll be here drenched in loneliness, anxiety and fear and I know this the last time I’ll think of you. Here I am smiling, because I know that from this moment on, I won’t allow anyone to dictate my future for me. I won’t allow anyone to tell me how I should live my life. It’s all mine now. It’s all coming back to me. I’m going back home….to myself.

Maybe he really loved you. Maybe she really cared. He probably wasn’t lying when he said you were special. She probably was telling the truth when she told you she needed you. Maybe he was truly afraid of losing you. Maybe she did see a future with you. Maybe everything that was said at the moment was true. Maybe they weren’t all lies. Maybe all these promises were never meant to be broken. But here’s what makes all the difference, here’s the one question you should always ask yourself — Where are they now? Why didn’t they stay? Why didn’t they hold on? Why weren’t they beside you when you didn’t have anyone by your side? Why did he leave? Why did she walk away? Because he can be prince charming when things are pretty and she can be your biggest fan when you’re saying all the right things, but when the ride gets bumpy and the road gets darker and you’re lost in the middle of nowhere you’ll need someone who shows up for you. Someone who stays with you until you find your way home or someone who gets lost with you. Because you’ve been walking alone and you’re good at it. You know how to get around and you know you will eventually find your way but if you’re going to pick someone to join you don’t pick the one who is going to drop you off at the nearest exit, pick the one who will stick around till the end. Pick the one who blasts the music so loud to silence your fears. Pick the one who holds your hand and tells you you’re almost there. Pick the one who will go anywhere with you. So here's your closure; it’s not about whether or not they meant what they said or whether their feelings were true. It’s about where they are now Are they here with you? or are they driving away? And if they drove away please keep walking alone. You don’t need another temporary passenger. You don’t need another fictitious closure.

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Writer & Poet

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