You need the kind of love that inspires you to become even more compassionate, even deeper, even softer. The kind of love that doesn’t make you regret giving your heart or being kind or exposing your vulnerability. You need the kind of love that restores your faith in humanity and in yourself. The kind of love that keeps you overflowing with more to give, not the one that makes you feel empty and restless.
You need the kind of love that allows you to grow as an individual, the kind of love that doesn’t fill your mind with toxic thoughts or leave you feeling like you can’t do anything right. The kind of love that makes you sleep at night with one less thing to worry about. The kind of love that doesn’t give you nightmares or anxiety or makes you feel like you have to try so hard or compete for someone’s affection. The kind of love you can truly trust.
You need the kind of love that stands by you on your weakest days, the kind of love that makes the hard times a little easier to get through. You need the kind of love that stays when it’s easier to leave and fights when it’s easier to give up. The kind of love that gives you more than one reason to hold on. You need the kind of love that makes you glow because you’re genuinely happy. The love that liberates you.
You need the kind of love that you don’t fear. The kind of love that doesn’t make you nervous thinking about the future. The kind of love that tames your raucous doubts and reminds you that the love you always wanted was never unreasonable but you were just asking those who couldn’t deliver.
You won’t recognize this new me, you won’t recognize my laughter, I don’t find your jokes funny anymore. You won’t recognize my eyes, they no longer admire you, they no longer look for you.
You won’t recognize my hands, they no longer long for your touch, they no longer want to hold you. You won’t recognize my energy, I’m not available to you anymore, I’m not yours this time and it’s your turn to feel my absence.
You won’t recognize my heart, it doesn’t beat for you anymore, it doesn’t miss you, it’s not the same. Or maybe it is, maybe it has always been this way. People break it thinking it won’t mend itself or heal but it always bounces back even stronger. It always comes back to me, intact unable to settle for half-hearted love or mediocre relationships.
You won’t recognize me now, look at me all you want but you will never see me because I put myself back together in ways you will never understand.
Let me tell you how I did it. Let me tell you how I got your ghosts out of my system.
I stopped thinking about you late at night when I was alone wishing you were there so I could talk to you. I started talking to my best friends. I started reading. I started writing. Because I realized they’ve all been there for me in all the ways you weren’t and they’re still here with me but you’re gone.
I stopped staring at my phone when something good happens hoping you would say something and I stopped staring at it when something bad happens tempted to call you and tell you about it because you never wanted to celebrate with me and you never wanted to give me a shoulder to cry on when my tears wouldn’t stop falling.
I remembered that I couldn’t count on you to make me smile when you’re the ones who made me cry.
I stopped comparing anyone I met to you. I stopped believing in the same spark that burned me—the flames that turned to ashes.
I’m done living in this illusion I’ve created with you and I’m ready to face my new reality without you.
And finally, I stopped thinking that you’ll come back one day. I stopped wanting you to fight for me because the truth is, I don’t want a fight—love shouldn’t be about fighting and it shouldn’t be a war. It shouldn’t be a battle of who cares more and who’s going to fall harder. It shouldn’t be about winning and losing.
And if it is, then I don’t want it. Maybe I’m just a dreamer but I believe that love should be easy, it should be simple and clear. It shouldn’t be all questions and games and it shouldn’t leave you wondering or waiting.
And maybe I’m just a dreamer but I believe that love should be magic and it should leave you in awe.
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It sucks that when I sleep at night, I can only think of how good it feels to sleep without wondering what you’re doing, who you’re talking to or trying to find the truth between your lies.
It sucks that when I wake up, I don’t miss your good morning text. The one that was probably sent to many. The one that eventually stopped meaning anything if I wasn’t the only one you think of when you wake up in the morning. It sucks that when I wake up, I have one less thing to worry about. One less burden.
It sucks that when someone brings up your name, I have to nod and agree with everything they’re saying about you. It sucks that I can’t defend you or your actions because you didn’t prove any of them wrong. You didn’t even try.
It sucks that when I think about my future, I feel better that you won’t be in it. Thinking of all the ways you could have screwed me over. Thinking of all the ways you could have ruined it with your presence. It sucks that walking away may have been the best thing I did for myself.
It sucks that you were once an important somebody who quickly turned into a nobody, but you know what sucks even more, staying when I know I’m not being valued. Staying with someone who can’t handle their own baggage or their own problems. Staying with someone who finds it so easy to lie instead of facing the truth. Staying when every day felt like I was losing a part of myself.
What sucks even more, is staying with someone who doesn’t make me a better person. Staying when I know I can find someone else who wants to give me the world. A world where I don’t have to apologize for my heart or regret trusting someone or giving someone my all. Someone who can’t picture his world without me in it.
It sucks that your memory is now grimy and dusty….but I guess that’s how I became clean. I had to see who you really were underneath all the glitz and the glam. At the end of the day, an empty heart, an empty soul will never recognize a heart that’s full of love. A shallow heart will never understand a deep one. A selfish heart can never give. A dead heart can never beat.
I don’t know how to be anything other than intense. All in. Too much. Too involved. I don’t know how to be an almost or anything in between. But there’s a price you pay when you can’t settle for the middle because when you’re so fixated on a certain kind of love you become so good at letting go, kissing people goodbye, holding someone’s hand only to unclasp your fingers, getting so dangerously close only to create a safer distance, catching yourself before you fall because you’re not so sure if they will catch you. And you don’t know how to half-love someone or have bits and pieces of their heart, You only know how to love with all your heart and want the same in return. So I got used to it all, you know — leaving, moving on, being on my own, searching for answers, walking my journey alone because as much as I want to hold someone’s hand as I climb the mountain and as much as I want to share the view with someone, I don’t know how to balance myself if I’m not the only one. I don’t know how to open the door if I have one foot out. So it doesn’t get to me anymore when people call me too dreamy, too romantic, too idealistic, or too much because there’s a price you pay when you don’t know how to settle, you spend a lot of time waiting, you spend a lot of time alone, you don’t always have a hand to hold, you don’t always have someone to call but for some reason, you wait it out, because you have faith that one of those days your too muchness will be just enough for the right person.
A few days ago, I saw a psychic reading special in my neighborhood — given how much I love psychics, I didn’t need a special to tempt me to go in for a reading but it was a good enough reason for me to get one. I haven’t had a reading in a while.
She started by analyzing my character and telling me a few things about my family, my childhood and my career, all too familiar, nothing I haven’t heard before but this time, when it came to predicting my love life, she just paused, took a long heavy sigh and said “well my dear it looks like you don’t know how to feel anymore, why is that?”
At first, I wanted to tell her that if she’s a real psychic, she should know but I held back my sarcasm and just told her I don’t know. I make a living out of feeling too much and writing my feelings down. She was surprised and confused, held my palm closer and told me “You just don’t know how to feel anymore.” At that point, I knew I wasn’t going to change her mind and I was ready to get this reading over with before she tells me I need to heal my aura for $300 to remove any love blockages.
On my way back though, it hit me, was the psychic actually, right? Do I not know how to feel anymore? Or am I just afraid of my own feelings?
Her comment bothered me for a reason, there must be some truth to it because deep down I know, my heart is not the same anymore.
All I did for the past five years was learn how to let go, how to move on, how to start over, how to love myself, work on myself, be independent and be strong. Mending everything my heart once destroyed. Putting back together everything my feelings once shattered.
All my experiences haven’t been smooth or easy and every year has been more of a battlefield than a playground. This whole process of self-improvement and personal development and trying to fix what others broke is draining. Granted, it’s worth it but it takes everything you’ve got to fight back, to believe, to keep trying, to keep smiling or keep breathing.
Of course I don’t know how to feel anymore, of course I’m scared of my own feelings because of the time and effort it took to embrace standing alone, because of the battles I’ve fought to live a life that makes me happy, because of the energy I’ve used up to be somewhat resilient.
It’s true that sometimes when you focus on one thing, you lose something else in return and in this case, I think I lost the appetite to feel deeply or get attached to my emotions. I think I forgot how to trust my heart. How to be vulnerable. To let myself go. To surrender to such powerful emotions. I’m always trying to hold back. Always having one foot out the door. Always ready to walk away.
But here’s what I know for sure, that maybe I don’t know how to feel right now, but when the time is right and my walls come crashing down one by one, I will begin to trust my heart blindly again. All the feelings will come rushing back home. All those pent-up emotions will safely resurface. All those fears will subside and following my heart will not be another recipe for disaster.
And even though right now I may not know how to feel, I can still feel that it’s all coming back to me soon. I think I’ve done my fair share of learning and healing. It’s all coming together because, at the end of the day, you cannot lose something that was once ingrained in you.