Tag Archives: moving on

“It’s Like You Don’t Know How To Feel Anymore”

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Unsplash/Tyler Nix

A few days ago, I saw a psychic reading special in my neighborhood — given how much I love psychics, I didn’t need a special to tempt me to go in for a reading but it was a good enough reason for me to get one. I haven’t had a reading in a while.

She started by analyzing my character and telling me a few things about my family, my childhood and my career, all too familiar, nothing I haven’t heard before but this time, when it came to predicting my love life, she just paused, took a long heavy sigh and said “well my dear it looks like you don’t know how to feel anymore, why is that?”

At first, I wanted to tell her that if she’s a real psychic, she should know but I held back my sarcasm and just told her I don’t know. I make a living out of feeling too much and writing my feelings down. She was surprised and confused, held my palm closer and told me “You just don’t know how to feel anymore.” At that point, I knew I wasn’t going to change her mind and I was ready to get this reading over with before she tells me I need to heal my aura for $300 to remove any love blockages.

On my way back though, it hit me, was the psychic actually, right? Do I not know how to feel anymore? Or am I just afraid of my own feelings?

Her comment bothered me for a reason, there must be some truth to it because deep down I know, my heart is not the same anymore.

All I did for the past five years was learn how to let go, how to move on, how to start over, how to love myself, work on myself, be independent and be strong. Mending everything my heart once destroyed. Putting back together everything my feelings once shattered.

All my experiences haven’t been smooth or easy and every year has been more of a battlefield than a playground. This whole process of self-improvement and personal development and trying to fix what others broke is draining. Granted, it’s worth it but it takes everything you’ve got to fight back, to believe, to keep trying, to keep smiling or keep breathing.

Of course I don’t know how to feel anymore, of course I’m scared of my own feelings because of the time and effort it took to embrace standing alone, because of the battles I’ve fought to live a life that makes me happy, because of the energy I’ve used up to be somewhat resilient. 

It’s true that sometimes when you focus on one thing, you lose something else in return and in this case, I think I lost the appetite to feel deeply or get attached to my emotions. I think I forgot how to trust my heart. How to be vulnerable. To let myself go. To surrender to such powerful emotions. I’m always trying to hold back. Always having one foot out the door. Always ready to walk away.

But here’s what I know for sure, that maybe I don’t know how to feel right now, but when the time is right and my walls come crashing down one by one, I will begin to trust my heart blindly again. All the feelings will come rushing back home. All those pent-up emotions will safely resurface. All those fears will subside and following my heart will not be another recipe for disaster.

And even though right now I may not know how to feel, I can still feel that it’s all coming back to me soon. I think I’ve done my fair share of learning and healing. It’s all coming together because, at the end of the day, you cannot lose something that was once ingrained in you.

You cannot run away from who you really are.

Another Way To Look At Things Falling Apart

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Today, I want to talk about things falling apart.

It’s funny how one month can make you question everything. March was such a transitional month for me. A lot of things changed in my personal and professional life and it made me question and rethink a lot of things.

Often, we get carried away with a certain fantasy in our head or a certain life we want to live to the point where we convince ourselves that this is the life we’ve been dreaming of and it’s finally here and the world is better now but then something happens that shakes up this so-called ‘perfect’ life and you’re faced with the hard questions again, the real painful questions you’ve been stifling; is that the life I want to live? Is this is where I want to live? Is that the person I want to love? Is that the kind of friend I need?

And when the answer is shockingly no to all these questions, you’re forced to start over. You’re forced to step back and see things for what they are and people for who they are. You’re forced to stop romanticizing your life and start being a realist again. Change is hard. Disappointment sucks. Feeling like you’ve been betrayed or taken for granted or lied to hurts like hell.

But you know what hurts even more? Pretending that everything is okay when it’s not. Playing dumb when you know better. Underestimating your own ability to walk away from a life that no longer serves you.

Things fall apart so you can change something within you. They fall apart to teach you something really important; the wrong people, the wrong city, the wrong friends will never give you the life of your dreams.

I feel like this month God has ended everything I once lived for or believed in. I feel like in a way he cleansed my life for me, granted, it was a bit too sudden, too abrupt like the saying when it rains it pours, but at the same time, I feel like this is what I’ve been praying for so I can’t really complain. I’ve been praying for clarity, I’ve been praying to find where I belong, I’ve been praying to figure out if I should let go or hold on and I feel like God gave me the answers all at once. You see, praying is for the brave. You have to be brave enough to face the truth even if it’s not the one you hoped for.

Then I remembered one of my favorite quotes from Eat Pray Love ‘Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.’

I’ve been in my bubble for two years. I got comfortable with the way things have been even when they weren’t making me happy. I took whatever I could get without believing that I can do better. I settled and when you settle, there will always be a void you can’t fill, there will always be something missing even though you can’t pinpoint it. There will always be a person inside you waiting for you to move, or say something or change or take a leap of faith because this is not who you are. You are lying to yourself. You are withholding your own truth and delaying your own fortune.

And that’s how I feel about things falling apart, they’re not actually falling apart to destroy you, they’re falling apart to save you. They’re falling apart to protect you. They’re falling apart so you can transform your life.

So accept that ruin can sometimes be a gift from the universe. Ruin can build up better things. Ruin is not always favorable but if that’s the way the cookie crumbles, then we must figure out a way to enjoy the deliciousness and sweetness of it all, even if it’s crumbs for now because the day it all falls back together, the day things fall back into place, we’ll be glad we didn’t ruin our lives when things were falling apart. We’ll be glad we held on instead of falling down with it. We’ll be glad we survived the worst because it only means things will get better. It only means that the best is yet to come.

So on those hard days when it feels like everything is falling apart, I’ll always remember this quote and feel hopeful again. “Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.”

One Day, It Will Just Hit You

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Nikita Kachanovsky

And one day it will just hit you. On a random Tuesday afternoon, as you’re sitting in a cafe sipping tea, it will just hit you that you deserve so much more. You deserve so much better.

Someone who truly wants you. Someone who wants to try. Someone who wants to take a chance.

It will hit you when you start feeding yourself the bitter truth instead of your sweet lies. It will hit you when you try to sum up their actions and they don’t add up. It will hit you when you realize they only liked how you made them feel. The validation they got from you. The attention you gave them so effortlessly and the way you built them up when they were broken.

It will hit you that when it was your turn to ask for what you wanted and ask for your efforts to be matched, they ran away. They couldn’t step up because they didn’t value you. They valued how you made them feel. It was never about you from the start. It was always about them. They never saw you. The only saw the way you viewed them and they fell in love with it. They fell in love with the image you created — the person they’re never going to be.

But please don’t hate yourself for sticking around longer than you should or giving more or caring more. Please don’t say you’re a fool for believing in something more. Please don’t beat yourself up for thinking that they could have been right for you because you gave it your all, you were brave enough to try, you showed up, you embraced your vulnerability and told them how you truly felt and and that’s what truly matters.

That’s how you will move on easily and peacefully. That’s how you will let go with ease because trust me, it will hit them one day, on a random Tuesday afternoon as they’re sitting in a cafe sipping tea that they should have tried harder. They should have loved you when you cared. They should have known that you will eventually walk away. They should have known that when you decide to leave, you’re never coming back.

It will hit them only when it’s too late. Only when you’re gone.