Tag Archives: thoughts

When In Doubt, Lead With Faith

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Unsplash/Joshua Rawson-Harris

I know we’re only halfway through the year but I can already say that 2018 will be a year to remember. I can already sum up what the last 7 months were trying to teach me in three words; lead with faith.

I’ve never been much of a planner because I’m not good at planning anything, especially when it comes to my life but for the past 3 years I planned everything to a T because all I wanted was for my life to be in order and fall into place because I was tired of running around and being lost and just going with the flow. So I took control and while it did give me the stability that I was looking for, it robbed me out of my happiness, my spontaneity, my zest for life and adventure.

I was always worried about tomorrow, about how many hours I have left in the day to go through all my plans, about how many months left until I’m one year older with a societal checklist I needed to strike off so I can catch up with all my friends who got married, had kids and are planning their next family vacation to Europe.

I was beginning to lose sight of what I wanted for myself because I was told that I needed to be more organized, more logical, more put together and more traditional. I was told that I needed to be anything but myself.

And I’d be lying if I said it didn’t work for me, after all, there’s a reason why people conform, it’s easier there. It’s a little bit more predictable. It’s a little less chaotic.

Until I was standing one day looking at the cookie as it crumbles piece by piece right in front of my eyes. I was standing there stoic. Watching everything I’ve ever built collapse. Watching all my plans make a U-turn. Watching every single dream of mine evaporate.

And then it hit me, I planned for everything but I forgot to plan for the day when all the plans stop working. I forgot to plan for the day I lose. I was so focused on winning that I didn’t think losing was even an option.

But today, as I begin to pick up the pieces slowly, I can safely say I’m leading with faith. I still don’t have a steady plan. I still don’t know my final destination. I still have a lot of things to fix but I am leading with faith and it’s making me feel alive again.

Faith that I’m right where I’m supposed to be. Faith that the things I thought I lost were actually triumphs in disguise. Faith that those hard 7 months were exactly the fuel I needed to take off and land somewhere new. Faith that the change I need in my life is coming and it’s going to be bigger and brighter than what I had planned for myself.

Because that’s the beauty of leading with faith, it rewards you in the end. You don’t lose when you lead with faith. You can only win.

The other day my friend was telling how we should all believe that we are larger than life and how we shouldn’t let the hard times or the wrong people make us feel small or insignificant. At first, I laughed at her ‘larger than life’ comment but then I thought about it, why is it so hard for us to believe that we are larger than life and that better things are actually coming our way? Why can’t we just lead with the kind of faith that makes us feel powerful, strong and loved? Why can’t we just breathe and believe that things will be okay?

And that’s what I’m going to start doing. I’m leading with faith. I’m walking into an unknown universe with open arms because I’m not scared anymore. I have something within me that’s larger than life…. and you — you have it too.

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I Am Slowly Learning That I Don’t Have To Believe The Stories Others Have Written About Me

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Unsplash/Mark Alexandrovich

I am slowly learning that I don’t have to believe the stories others have written about me. I don’t have to be the character they want to be. I don’t have to give them the happy ending they want. It’s not their story. It’s mine and I won’t let them take the pen away from me again.

They want to paint me as the villain so they can sleep better at night or they want to paint me as the victim so they can feel powerful and victorious. They want to paint me as the crazy, rebellious, lost soul so they can feel like they have someone to guide whereas they’re the ones who really need guidance. They want to paint me as the inconsiderate, heartless kid so they can justify the hurtful words they said.

I am slowly learning that some people will always mold you into their story the way they want it to be because everyone wants to be the hero in their own story, no one wants to be the bad guy. No one wants to write the truth. Everyone wants to write the reality they wish they were living and when you give them something that changes that narrative, they will do their best to write you off because changing their script means facing realities they’ve neglected for years. Changing their script means starting over. Changing their script means exposing their lies and some people out there love living a lie — a fabricated story they tell people so they can glorify themselves.

But I am slowly learning that I’m not like that. I write my story the way it is even if it hurts. I don’t write lies and believe them. I don’t write a fake reality so I can impress people. I write everything they erase. I write all the words they don’t want me to say out loud. I tell the stories they don’t want anyone to know. I don’t sugarcoat their bitterness.

And maybe that’s why they paint me as the villain and maybe I’m okay with that because a person who has already lost everything has nothing more to lose and even if they break all my fingers, I’m not giving them the pen again because my story will always glorify my honesty and their story will always glorify their lies. And maybe that’s why we can’t read the same story and maybe that’s why our story is finally over.